5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 25, 2013

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 25, 2013
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1. CNBC Host Does His Best Indian Accent On Air, And It's Pretty Bad

Not only did CNBC co-host Joe Kernen exercise poor judgement on Friday's Squawk Box, when he used an offensive Indian accent and mockingly asked "Are they good at 7-Eleven?" while discussing India's economy, but he exercised even worse comedic skills. The accent was hackneyed and uncommitted, and the 7-Eleven joke was a complete non sequitur. Zero points all around.

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2. Ted Cruz Reads 'Green Eggs & Ham' - Not In A Box, Not With A Fox, But During A Pointless Filibuster

While engaging in an all-night make-believe filibuster — because his speech wasn't actually delaying any congressional action, it was really more of a incredibly long and unfocused vagina monologue — in opposition to Obamacare on live television last night, Sen. Ted Cruz performed a dramatic reading of Dr. Suess' Green Eggs & Ham because, as he said, the American people "do not like Obamacare in a box, with a fox, in a house, or with a mouse." However, unlike your 3-year-old nephew, Cruz was unable to grasp the actual moral of the story, which shows the narrator eventually enjoying Obamacare, er, uh, greens eggs and ham after actually trying them.

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3. Just Take A Guess At Which Former President Is Familiar With '2 Girls, 1 Cup'

Somewhere deep down inside, you kind of already knew that former President Bill Clinton was down with 2 Girls, 1 Cup, didn't you? Without actually having proof, we can all pretty much assume that Clinton — who recently tweeted a picture of himself with Bill Gates along with the phrase "Two Bills, one selfie" — forced Hillary to watch it at least once, right?

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4. Abercrombie & Fitch Agrees To Let Employees Wear Headscarves While Serving Over-Privileged Tween Shitheads

As part of a $71,000 settlement with two Muslim women whom the clothing store Abercrombie & Fitch discriminated against because they refused to remove their hijabs during work, the chain has agreed to update its dress code. "As part of our commitment to fair hiring practices and fostering a diverse workplace, we continually evaluate our existing policies,” said a spokesman for the store, whose customers will no longer be sheltered from the realities of cultural diversity while buying skinny jeans and over-priced polo shirts.

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5. Hard To Say If Miley Cyrus Appearing Naked On The Cover Of Rolling Stone Is Better Or Worse Than The Boston Marathon Bomber Appearing On The Cover Of Rolling Stone

Miley Cyrus continues her campaign of barraging the media with non-stop nakedness in next month's Rolling Stone. Cyrus — who twerked mostly naked on MTV's VMAs before swinging totally naked from a wrecking ball in her new video and then performing in Las Vegas kind of naked in a see-through fishnet dress and black pasties — will appear naked and wet on the cover of the magazine's October issue and naked again inside, where she discusses how embarrassing her mom is.

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Bonus Thing: Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels Are Old And Older In First Look At 'Dumb And Dumber To'

Jim Carrey tweeted a a picture of himself and co-star Emmy-winner Jeff Daniels in costume as Harry and Lloyd for the upcoming sequel to the nearly two-decade-old Dumb And Dumber.

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