1. The New Incarnation Of 'The View' Will Be The Most Rosie-Dense Yet
ABC just announced that actress Rosie Perez will be joining Rosie O'Donnell in the newest incarnation of The View. With two Rosies on the show, this marks the largest influx of Rosies ever for the afternoon chat show. Even higher than 2006, Rosie O'Donnell was originally hired. Conservative political commentator Nicole Wallace will also be joining the all-female panel, though it is still unknown whether she will be allowed to keep her name as is.
Rosie Perez joining The View is huge news for my terrible Rosie Perez impression.— Emily Toffelmire (@klickitatstreet) September 4, 2014
2. Scarlett Johansson Just Had A Baby And Is Apparently A Huge 'Golden Girls' Fan
Actress Scarlett Johansson has given birth to a baby girl and, as an obvious homage to one of the greatest sitcoms in television history, has chosen to name the child Rose Dorothy. We wish the family all the best and greatly look forward to the arrival of Johansson and her partner Romain Dauriac's next baby Blanche Sophia. Unless their next one is a boy, in which case it will likely be named Sanford Son.
1st I thought, "I didn't know Scarlett Johansson was pregnant." Then I thought, "Why should I have known Sacrlett Johansson was pregnant?"— W. Kamau Bell (@wkamaubell) September 5, 2014
3. Federal Judge Issues Devastating Combo Breaker — Says Louisiana's Gay Marriage Ban Is Constitutionally Sound
A federal judge in Louisiana has broken a 21 decision streak of court victories for marriage equality advocates by finding that the state's ban on gay marriage does not violate the U.S. Constitution. In his decision, the judge mused upon the idea that court-approved same sex marriage could lead to multitudinous difficult questions: "For example, must the states permit or recognize a marriage between an aunt and niece? Aunt and nephew? Brother/brother? Father and child? May minors marry? Must marriage be limited to only two people? What about a transgender spouse? Is such a union same-gender or male-female?" So, essentially, this judge is your college roommate after about three bong hits.
A Louisiana judge upheld state ban on gay marriage on grounds that "it's totally icky and violates the state's tradition of bigotry."— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) September 4, 2014
4. Virginia Gets Its Very First Felon Ex-Governor — Bob McDonnell Found Guilty Of Corruption
Virginia finally joined the Criminal Governor Club this week, after its former chief executive Bob McDonnell was convicted of 11 of 13 counts of corruption. Congratulations, Old Dominion State residents! Seeing your former head of state in prison orange can be a pretty heady experience. Enjoy this time while you can. Writing from Illinois, I can tell you that the whole thing can become pretty commonplace after a while.
Don't judge Bob McDonnell too harshly: Nobody likes doing invasive transvaginal ultrasound probes in a state of poverty.— Frank Conniff (@FrankConniff) January 23, 2014
5. Your Dog Doesn't Care About Any Of That 'Good Boy' Shit, Just Get To Petting Already
According to a new study, dogs receive a greater sense of gratification from physical acts of affection, such as petting and ear-scratching, than from verbal ones, like saying "Good boy" or "I love you." I'm not a scientist, but I'm thinking that this might have something to do with the fact that dogs don't speak English.
I just told my dog, "I love you as much as any living thing could love another thing," but get the vibe he'd prefer I show it with old meat.— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) September 5, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)