This guy should negotiate crises in the Middle East. He can handle delicate situations.
The trick to any successful negotiation is making each party feel invested. The Schrodinger's Masturbator guy might not feel inclined to stop maybe or maybe not masturbating on his own, he'll just change (possible) times or (perhaps) masturbate more quietly. But he, too, is affected by the germophobe's clogging of the toilets. So he should be willing to stop (if indeed he is) masturbating to help the hypochondriac feel comfortable enough to sit his butt on a surface that is probably cleaner than what 90% of humans have sat on through history. But (maybe) (probably) masturbated on more often.