You will know the thief through their healthy glow and possibly male breast growth.
Water bottle theft: it's exactly as common as you think. Which is to say, extremely common. Previously, we had just resigned ourselves to the indignity of having our water snatched away and being unable to tell who stole it amid the sea of identical bottles. Now, however, someone has shown us the light. Instead of passively accepting our fate, we can put amusing chemicals in our bottles! Chemicals like estrogen, which will eventually make the office calmer and with smaller genitals. Don't put chemicals in other people's drinks, though. That's still a no-no.