A Chicago Craigslist user named Michael posted a request for help after finding a big pile of poop on the hood of his Tesla Model X. Little else about the crime or the owner of the vehicle is known. Teslas are expensive cars with impressive features, so if the hood was intentionally soiled, it's natural that the owner would be outraged.
He should probably have started by checking if there were any security cameras on buildings or businesses nearby. That way he could see if there was footage of the hate-pooping (which in Illinois is probably a misdemeanor). But instead he asked for help from the many amateur sleuths on Craigslist, who are always patiently waiting in the shadows for big cases like this one:
I am writing this message to anyone that might have been in Lakeview Thursday night around 9pm.
Specifically I am looking for anyone who was by Stratford and Broadway, which was where my car was parked.
Obviously I have a large degree of humility when writing this because I am seeking people out here to see if anyone has any information about who may have taken a gigantic shit on the windshield of my brand new Tesla Model X.
This is not a joke.
I was on a date with a girl, one who was very conservative. It was our third date and when we walked out, sure enough we saw that someone had taken a very large shit on my windshield comprised of two sizable logs and smaller ball which rolled down to my wipers. Pee was not visible leading me to believe that *perhaps* someone had shit in a container at home and then threw it on my car later.
Now I know a lot of people might find this funny but my date was really traumatized by the whole thing and I have zero leads. What’s more, the CPD “absolutely refused” to help me, a tax paying citizen, clean the shit off of my car. But they obviously didn’t hesitate to tell me I could not drive with the poop on my windshield because it would obstruct my visibility. I had to use a redeye magazine and a bottle of water to clean it off and that sucked.
I am looking for solid intelligence in regards to anyone who might have seen anything. Do not reply with a car type you think you saw or a suggestion. I am writing this to someone who saw something in particular or perhaps, someone who indeed knows the person who pulled this stupid joke on me. As for the latter, if you were willing to leak the name of the person who did this, I promise you that I would spare you of all legal charges and physical retaliation. However I will plan on ruling out you with DNA for I have kept a sample of the shit for I can see someone trying to pull another fast one on me. And trust me, that is not going to happen.
And although from time to time, I could see why someone deserves it, this was absolutely uncalled for. And I think it says a lot about the people of Lakeview and those that work at The Rocks (the staff there laughed at me when I told them what happened). You are all pieces of shit for watching this happen and doing nothing, probably watching there as some jerk tossed a giant shit on my windshield… or perhaps you even saw it drop from his or her butthole as the pee was collected separately, which still makes sense so they wouldn’t slip on the pee after it was all said and done.
Listen closely. I am offering a significant compensation to anyone who has good solid intelligence that I will handle in my own way. I am not going to mention dollar amounts here but I work in the medical community and trust me when I say I think the amount I have in mind will not disappoint. After all, I do own a Tesla.
Lastly, a message to the person who did this: I will find you. Do you understand me? I have already had my lawyer draft up subpoenas to acquire footage from nearby security cameras amongst other things. Personally, I think you need medical attention to do what you have done. I am so greatly saddened this city has been over run by thugs and poor people who are having too many children.
I cannot be surprised that Donald Trump is doing so well when I see my car had someone shit or toss shit on it in clear view of the public. And maybe he should be doing well if he is better suited at taking on the maniacs who have been overrunning this once great city.
Good Intel on who did this = Good money
I’ll end on that.
Wow, it's impressive how he managed to find a way to shoehorn his support for Donald Trump in there at the end. That's the real issue for the candidates in 2016: stopping car poopers. It's also fantastic that he scolded the staff of a nearby bar for not running out and confronting someone throwing poop on a car (if they even saw it happen). Good luck to Michael, his Tesla, and his job in the "medical community."