Look out, East Coast—a "potentially crippling, possibly even historic" blizzard is headed your way, just in time for the weekend. Hurray! Snow! Everyone loves snow, right? Severe, incapacitating, property-damaging, life-threatening snow. Thanks, polar vortex!
See? Global warming's not real.
A blizzard for the ages! One to tell your grandchildren about, assuming you make it out alive.
According to one meteorologist, the "primo" spot for snowfall will likely be the area between Washington, D.C. and Philadelphia. Congratulations, you guys!
As we all know, weather is a fickle bitch, and a lot could change before then, so the East Coast might not be crushed in a massive onslaught of paralyzing, high-impact snow. But keep your snow shovels and sleds handy, and maybe put 911 on speed dial, just in case.