5. Anyone Else Who's Waiting for a Heart Right Now - Dick Cheney received his new and presumably first human heart this weekend after a successful transplant operation, which is great news for him but not so great for any transplant candidate who isn't a wealthy, powerful, 71-year-old white guy. A tip for anyone on the donor list: Just lie and say you enjoy leading the country into indefinite, unjust wars.

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4. Gallagher - In other "people who should probably be dead" news, comedian and/or professional fruit disintegrator Gallagher is recovering from his second heart attack in just two weeks. Things may seem grim for the guy — somewhere, a room full of watermelons is waiting impatiently to pop the champagne — but at least lazy entertainment reporters are still charitable enough to refer to him as "funnyman." 

 

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