Normally the miraculous trauma known as birth is relegated only to the woman giving birth, but whether due to sympathy pains or sheer stupidity, Redditor Englishmuffin1 got in on the pain when his wife was in labor.
It all came down to the new father's desperate need to pee.
So this literally happened within the last half hour.
Back story: my wife is just over 40 weeks pregnant and this morning we came to the hospital for an induction. She was having really bad contractions, so the midwife kindly offered her a nice hot bath to relax her and help my son come into this world.
Anyway, onto the fuck up. So I go to the bathroom with my lovely wife as she is not allowed to be left on her own. She strips off and gets into the bath when I realise that I need to piss, like, right now. No biggie, I'll just go to the loo in the bathroom, it's nothing my wife hasn't seen before. Wrong! No toilet in this room, just a bath and sink.
Is that normal in a hospital? Perhaps the expectation is that loved ones will find a way to sneak to the bathroom, while the woman in labor will simply do her business wherever she pleases.
So I do what any other man would do in that situation. I look to the sink and then to my wife. She knows what I'm thinking and just shakes her head and tells me a firm "No!". I give her the sweet puppy dog eyes that got her to agree to mate with me in the first place and she caves within seconds. Anyway, I'm no animal so I decide to run some water whilst I'm doing the deed to wash it all down.
This guy has puppy dog eyes, but isn't an animal—what kind of human hybrid is he?
After I finish, I still have my meat and two veg out whilst I turn off the tap. This is the part where I learn three very important things:
1. I had actually been using hot water
2. These taps turn off the opposite way to what I am expecting
3. This sign is extremely accurate
This is the sign he linked out to. It is a very clearly-written sign.
Englishmuffin1 should've had paid attention to this sign.
I had turned the taps on full blast of near boiling water inches away from my favourite body part. I took a fair amount of splash damage and while I was dancing around this small room with my pecker flailing around thinking what a numpty I've been, my wife was just laughing her ass off at me.
The water drama did not end.
Aaannnd now her waters have broken, so I might be delayed responding to any comments.
Edit: my little boy arrived around 3hrs after my post! Thanks for all your kind messages, now time to dad!
Here's the couple's new baby son, and perhaps their only one depending on how badly the dad burned his balls:
A visually soothing antidote to burning water meeting sensitive flesh.