"Stories about the Führer's phallus have existed for over 60 years."
Anytime that's the first line of a Time story, you can thank your lucky fortune cookie numbers for the Internet. Because rumors of Hitler's "disfigured genitalia" recently resurfaced when "news outlets around the world reported the German dictator had a micropenis," the 92-year-old magazine paid a reporter to validate or discredit the rumors of the Fuherer's tiny junk.
Unfortunately, Time didn't find the answer, but the publication is a great place to start on the "did Hitler have a micropenis?" Internet scavenger hunt. The ambiguous Time story will link you to an Independent headline, one that's about to become your favorite headline of all time: "Historian rejects claim Adolf Hitler had a micropenis."
So where must you go for someone to just straight up tell you Hitler had a tiny dingus? Not too far at all. Just a click away to Raw Story, and their beautiful piece—"Hitler had a deformed micro-penis and only one testicle, medical records reveal." Naturally, they'll link you to a Gentlemen's Quarterly story, which takes the stance of defiant teenager with a flippant declaration, "So, It Turns Out Hitler Really Did Only Have One Ball."
Then GQ will send you over to British tabloid The Telegraph, and their "German historian [who] claims to have discovered incontrovertible proof, in the form of medical records." No word of micropenis here, but they do talk to one Professor Peter Fleischmann of Erlangen-Nuremberg University who threatens to erect some incontrovertible proof.
Fleischmann explains how Hitler, after his failed Beer Hall Putsch, underwent a medical examination—records of which supposedly went to auction in 2010, got seized by the Bavarian government, and "have only now been properly studied," so says The Telegraph.
And now for the results, from that illustrious tabloid. Drum roll please.
"Dr Josef Steiner Brin, the prison's medical officer's notes record 'Adolf Hitler, artist, recently writer' as 'healthy and strong' but suffering from 'right-side cryptorchidism.'"
Translation: "The testicle was probably stunted."
The Fuhrer's had a stunted ball!
That is, according to some confiscated records sourced by a professor sourced by the Telegraph.
As far as Raw Story's and other claims of "micropenis," that seems to come from a book called Hitler's Last Day: Minute By Minute. Cooler, regular-sized heads at the Huffington Post have prevailed to bring us this quote from the text:
Hitler himself is believed to have had two form of genital abnormality: an undescended testicle and a rare condition called penile hyposadias in which the urethra opens on the underside of the penis or, in some cases, on the perineum.
The HuffPo clarifies, "The condition is associated with 'micro-penis' formation."
Like Hitler's supposed micro-penis, it's not hard—to believe salacious rumors about history's most devastating fiend. But alas, it seems the truth will never really come out, definitively, about his dong.