by Dan Abromowitz

With school out and summer in full swing, there's nothing standing between you, your best buds, the open road, and a lifetime of memories. Here's how you can get your road trip in gear and hit cruise control on "fun":

  • To save money on car snacks, bring along bee hives or a dairy cow.
  • It's not a road trip without mix CDs! Make sure to really scratch the shit out of them for that authentic road trip feel.
  • Leave under total secrecy and cover of darkness for that "You're alive!" thrill on your return.
  • Whoever's in the passenger seat should always stay alert to assist the driver. Luckily, the cigarette lighter's right at hand for a quick pick-me-up.
  • Skip Mount Rushmore, unless you support the patriarchal mutilation of Mother Earth's many stone-boobs.
  • Side trips and detours can be some of the most memorable parts of your trip, except for Arkansas' famous Amnesia Caverns. They're a scam.
  • To keep track of where you've been, tie a spool of red yarn to your front doorknob and unspool it as you drive.
  • For drivetime fun, quote each other your favorite scenes from Britney Spears' Crossroads. Take turns so everyone gets a chance to be Taryn Manning.
  • For cheap gas, survey your planned route for large untapped reservoirs of fossil fuels.
  • You can do anything you want in a motel room, even forbidden Wicca.
  • If you find yourself getting bored on a long stretch of highway, slam your car right into the fucking guardrail. What a rush!