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Say it ain't so, you svelte piece of shit.


"Inside me was a thin man trying to get out. Inside that was a fucked-up perv." (Getty)

When I woke up this morning, I came into the kitchen to find my wife at the computer. She looked up at me and said, "The FBI raided Jared from Subway's house today." Thinking my day would be brightened by the spicy zest of a drug ring or maybe even some kind of massive Subway weight-loss fraud, I immediately brightened up. "Nice!" I said, my salacious blogger's appetite whetted like a fat man trying to live on a six-inch whole wheat Italian BMT alone. But my wife just stared at me. And then I knew.

Sources: Fox59