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Jared Fogle, disgraced former Subway spokesperson/owner of large pants/convicted pedophile, is appealing his 15.6-year prison sentence. And, in an example of perfect irony, his appeal has prompted the prosecution to reveal more about the texts and emails that resulted in his arrest and subsequent conviction in the first place. According to The Wrap, on Monday prosecutors disclosed that Fogle had sex with at least two minors, aged 16 and 17, and had sent texts to "escorts" promising payment for girls even younger. (Hang on, vomiting.)

Can a few years be added to his based on how creepy his smile is?
Can a few years be added to his based on how creepy his smile is?
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Prosecutors argued that Fogle had a system: “Fogle had a pattern: He found adult escorts through the Internet, developed relationships with them, and offered them finder’s fees to provide him with access to minors for commercial sex.”

One of the texts revealed Monday was: "I’m horny again. Is your Asian friend available?" (ewwww no! NO!). When asked if he would also pay the adult who was providing the minor, Fogle texted: "I can pay you a little finder’s fee. I’ll pay you big for a 14- or 15-year old." (JARED, NO!) In another text, Fogle asked, "Do you have any access to any young girls? Like 15 or 16?" And when asked why, Jared responded: "Cause it’s what I crave! … I would hook you up nicely if you did."

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Oh, boy. No, no, no. First of all, sorry, White Castle Crave Cases. No one is ever going to be able to order you without feeling grossed out (well, even more grossed out than they normally would be). And pregnancy cravings will take on a whole new meaning.

Fogle maintains that he was set up, but, in legal terms: come on, dude. The prosecution team had originally agreed not to seek a sentence greater than 12.5 years, but the papers they filed Monday asserted that the sentence of 15.6 was actually fair. They argue that Fogle "went to great lengths to engage in commercial sex acts with underage minors." They continue:

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He bought and offered plane tickets. reserved and paid for the hotel rooms, made arrangements for the commercial sex acts. A fair review of the record shows that the district court clearly sentenced Fogle only for his own concrete conduct, which was very serious … The district court did not abuse her discretion in choosing to sentence Fogle above the applicable guidelines range.”

Based on the content of those texts, 15 years hardly seems like enough, but in another example of irony, it's about the age of the girls he was looking for.

Oh, Jared, how you must wish you'd never taken your (big) pants off at all.