On Thursday, Dr. David Newman was arraigned on charges of sexually abusing four women who came into the emergency room at Mount Sinai Hospital in Manhattan. He's accused of touching patients' breasts for no medical reason and, in one case, drugging and masturbating on a patient.
The woman who claims Newman masturbated on her says he administered an extra dose of morphine, and that she witnessed the act but was incapacitated by the drugs. A DNA test confirmed that it was, in fact, his semen on her face.
During the arraignment, his statement on how that could have happened became a matter of public record:
I am embarrassed because I whacked off in the lounge, and it was possible that the ejaculate may have gone from my hands to the woman’s blanket .. Semen may have also transferred from my hand to her face during the time I treated her.
The allegations against Dr. Newman are not funny and will be tried in a court of law. The fact that he said "whacked off" is funny, however, because he could have just said "jerked off" or gone with the classic (and slightly more delicate) "masturbated."
Even if anyone believed his excuse, you'd still have to be horrified that any doctor would "whack off" at work and then not wash their hands. It would also be horrifying if this ER doctor was not washing his hands between seeing multiple patients. No one who has ever masturbated at work is going to believe his excuse.