7 things you should at least pretend to know today.

7 things you should at least pretend to know today.

The news is overwhelming. There's too damn much of it! Luckily for those of you with short attention spans, we've combed the internet for everything you should know today, Thursday September 29, 2016.

1. Chipotle to pay $8 million settlement for sexual assault case.

Congratulations to Chipotle on finally having a scandal that does not involve E. Coli.

2. Presidential hopeful Gary Johnson struggled to name one world leader he respects.

He can, however, name 5 strains of weed he thinks are pretty boss.

3. Internet sensation Grumpy Cat will join the cast of the Broadway musical Cats on Friday.

He's as excited about it as your parents were when they found out you were going to major in theater.

4. A new study says going on roller coasters can help you pass those painful kidney stones.

They can also help you get rid of all that needless urine.

5. Thieves in Washington state rammed a building with their car and took off with $500 worth of bongs.

Or if their moms ask, $500 worth of "sculptures."

6. Donald Trump has been accused of breaking the U.S. embargo on Cuba in 1998.

Trump denied this accusation, claiming he never does business with Mexicans.

7. All My Children creator Agnes Nixon has passed away at age 93.