While public transportation is in theory incredibly convenient and good for the Earth or whatever, the reality is that more often than not a ride on public transport is like living out a scene from a dystopian film where Jennifer Lawrence doesn't save the day. It's not only about dingy subway cars and delays. Shady stuff is going down on public transport.
These 21 stories from several different Reddit threads confirm what most people already know: public transportation is the nexus of disgusting, creepy scenes. Continue on for lots of barf, drugs, and sex.
1. SaddestClown will never know what this was all about.
2. StickleyMan's passengers were used to this sight. That's the unsettling part.
I once saw a homeless guy in Chicago play 30 seconds of "When the Saints Go Marching in" on a trumpet and then proceed to drop his pants and take a massive dump in the middle of the El. Thing is, half the people on the train didn't even flinch.
3. Shteenz didn't have it that bad until the very last moment.
This guy probably around forty years old for on the bus in a superman suit. Cape, foam muscles, tights, the whole nine yards. He then sits next to me, opens his backpack, which is filled to the brim with JUST oranges. oranges. I turn away for a moment, glance back at him disgusted, and he starts crying and rubbing an orange on my shoulder furiously.
It was awful.
4. Not everyone appreciated this sight as much as nerdiculous, for obvious reasons.
5. Did Otternator mind? Clearly it didn't matter.
6. No, greyexpectations, that doesn't sound like it's a cultural thing anywhere.
I saw a guy with a huge bleeding gash in his arm, almost from shoulder to elbow. If he was in half as much pain as it looked like, he wasn't showing it; he just boarded the bus, sat down and listened to his iPod. No one else seemed to notice or care that much. (This was in Dublin, Ireland, shortly after I'd moved there from the US, and I'd wondered if it was just a cultural thing that I didn't get yet.)
7. Ajaxdrivingschool saw two guys simply sharing their knowledge.
Recently while on the bus, I overheard two guys behind me compare notes on how they ended up in prison for running a meth lab. Apperently, they both paid people to buy the legal maxium of the ingredients that go into meth, and got caught when their buyers got scared and told the police what happend.
8. FuzzyManPeach let her commuters know what she was thinking in a subtle way.
I'm a bus driver.
It was my second day on the job and I was driving late at night (11pm-ish). The only people on my bus were a massive, beefy looking couple sitting at the very back, she was giving him head and not being shy about it.
Me, being a small unassuming chick half their size who's awful at confrontation just let it happen. I hit every pothole.
9. This guy's scary ride ended up OK.
10. Madstar learned from this mistake, as everyone should.
This happened to me a couple years ago. I was coming home from work on the subway and I went to take an available seat. Someone left a newspaper on the seat and I didn't think much of it, so I just sat on it. About 10 minutes later I decided I wanted to read the paper, so I went to grab the paper that I was sitting on and realized that it was on top of something cold and wet.
I was sitting on a pile of vomit covered with a flimsy newspaper. I had puke all over my ass and hand. It was fucking disgusting.
I now carry "WetOnes" in my backpack at all times.
11. Crystal_Bacon saw someone eat their fruit with all they had.
On the underground in London and this old homeless guy gets on. He goes and sits in the middle of the carriage and pulls out the biggest banana you've ever seen. So he peels it down about half way then shoves it down his neck, like full, porno deep-throating. Then to top it off, he starts to look around and find eye contact with everyone. Just staring at you, deep into your soul whist he goes to town on this banana.
tl;dr Old Homeless guy has his way with banana
12. Lalv91 rode with someone who didn't mind sharing germs.
13. Crash11b learned about home remedies.
14. This person walked away with a memento.
On the way to San Fran from Los Angeles, a homeless man walked up to me and offered to sell me a UFO for 5 bucks. I was worried he'd try to sell me a bag of shit or something, but instead he pulls out a finely crafted disc made of tinfoil.
For 5 bucks, totally worth it.
15. BionicPseunami was served up a tough question.
A sizable minority of people on the DC Metro could seriously pass as Batman villains. For example, a couple of weeks ago, an elderly man wearing a jacket covered in question marks got onto the train, sat next to me, and said, "What has a mouth, but doesn't speak, and a bed, but doesn't sleep?" I didn't know what to say, so he replied, "A river." He got off at the next stop and went into the next car to do the same thing to someone else.
TL;DR Met the Riddler on the Metro.
16. Like a trooper, Alerion_ stayed on board.
Fist fight between two bus drivers. They just randomly stopped in the middle of one of the most important streets in the city, and went to beat the shit out of each other. A couple minutes later, with bloody noses, shirts, and ripped sleeves, back in the driver's seat and on with the routine.
Take me home, damn it! Oh, and yes, like half the bus decided they didn't want this guy driving them to work/home. They got off.
17. Hopefully pumper911 got the job, to make this day have a more positive ending.
I was going to a job interview right outside of Boston about 7 years ago. It was in the middle of the day and a reverse commute (going from Boston to a place outside of Boston) so nobody was really on the train.
Approaching the last stop and it was just myself and one other guy. The dude proceeds to wrap a belt around his arm, inject himself with something and basically just passes out on the train. I called the conductor.
18. Graphicsideas doesn't understand how much some people love pizza.
Seattle Metro bus (49 on Broadway): two drunk, disheveled women board the bus holding a pizza. They are extremely proud to have this pizza, and offer some to the bus driver (he politely declines). They then go on to explain that they got the pizza by bartering with a homeless man who had found it in the trash. The women start eating the pizza on the bus, when the bus hits a bump. The pizza falls onto the dirty bus floor, cheese side down, making a huge mess. Then, the women scrape the pizza off of the bus floor, and continue to eat it. They eat this pizza in the most disgusting way possible, peeling it off the bus floor, getting it all over their faces, hair, and clothes.
I watched this whole scene thinking that I was on some sort of prank or hidden camera TV show...it was just too ridiculous to really be happening. But no, it was really happening. I just tried my best not to laugh. OM NOM NOM PIZZA OMG SCARFF!
19. Uglyhag learned to trust no one on the subway.
I live in NY, so I'm plenty used to older men following me or flashing me on the subway. After a while, you get really adept at evading creepers. The worst experience I ever had was my freshman year, though. This girl, who looked to be about my age, was struggling to get her baby carriage over the gap onto the train. I helped her and ended up offering her my seat. We chatted and she asked where I went to school, what I did, etc. She kept pointing at completely unassuming men and saying, "That guy looks creepy. We girls have to stick together." I thought it was weird, but I knew that it was easy to be paranoid, so I figured she was just being over-cautious because of her baby or something.
After a while, I got up to transfer at my stop and said good-bye. She stood up and said, "Hey! Us girls have to stick together!" and straight-up started to follow me. This is when I knew something was really off about this girl. Despite there being no gap at this station, she insisted that I help her with the baby carriage getting off the train. When I leaned down to lift the front, I realized that there was a plastic baby doll in the seat.
At this point, I freaked out at tried to lose her by weaving in and out of people at the station, but it was pretty empty and I couldn't find a police officer anywhere. She was pretty much sprinting after me at this point. Eventually I found a big group of guys who looked pretty young, so I ran up to them and said "Hey! I've been looking for you everywhere!" I mouthed out "help me" and they immediately reacted. One put his arm around my shoulders and led me up to the MTA booth, where they stayed with me until a police officer walked by. But by then, crazy baby doll girl was gone.
TL;DR: Don't assume someone isn't batshit crazy just because they're a young girl with a baby carriage. For all you know, the baby is fake and she'll chase you through an empty subway station screaming like a banshee.
20. It's only fair that stimbus pay for the entertainment.
I was at a bus station in Champagne IL back in the late 90's. It was around midnight and I was switching buses. A woman walked in and asked if they had a bathroom. They told her to leave since she had been there earlier causing trouble. She just dropped her paints and took a dump right there. Then she demanded $50 from all the people around her that watched her do it.
21. OracleFinancialsNerd delivers with the grossest story that has about every type of bodily fluid.
Probably the nastiest thing I've ever seen was on public transit; about seven years ago on the Max train in Portland heading out towards Gresham from downtown.
I got on the Max a bit after midnight at the Pioneer Square station and found a seat at the front of a car opposite two woman who were dressed like they were heading home after a night working retail. At the same stop, at the last moment, a woman got on the opposite side door and made her way to the far back of the car and sat down alone facing us. Her face was pretty ragged but she had youthful clothes and for some reason I thought she was younger than the used-up fifty or older that she looked.
"And THAT'S why we don't do meth" said one of the ladies next to me, just loud enough to be overheard by the other. It wasn't a criticism, it sounded more...concerned. I could tell she wanted to say something, but the raggedy woman in the back leaned her head against the wall and closed her sallow eyes.
Just moments after the train started moving the woman in the back opened her eyes, leaned forward and said "Hey mister, you want a twenty-dollar blow job? I need to earn some money quick. You'll like it."
I started to stammer out a refusal, not really knowing how to respond.
"He's with us honey, don't be pinching our sugar." Said the woman closest to me, as she leaned over and put her hand on my knee.
The methstitute looked from her to me for a moment and then just shrugged. "High class," she said with a bit of longing, "must be nice." Then she leaned back again and closed her eyes. She didn't so much as move for the next two stops.
When we got to the Rose Quarter transit mall a wirey guy was standing on the platform staring in the windows of the train with his hand over his eyes. A few moments after the train stopped he strolled into our car and dropped unceremoniously into the seat next to the woman in the back. The dude couldn't stop moving, bouncing his leg or scratching at his back, or twisting his neck from side to side. He looked like a dirty hobo mixed with a clone of Jay and Silent Bob blended together. Long dark coat, ratty jeans, white tanktop and white high-top sneakers. His hair was straight and long and you could have wrung about a quart of grease out of it without much effort.
"How much money did you bring me baby?" he asked her in a thick slavic/eastern european accent as soon as the doors closed. "You'd better have been a good puppy tonight."
"I didn't get no money daddy. I don't feel good. My tum-tum hurts daddy" she replied in a high-pitch baby-talk.
In a split-second reaction so fast I missed it in a blink he grabbed her by the neck and yanked her ear right next to his lips and started screaming at her "what do you mean you didn't get NO MONEY!?!"
I started to lean forward, to...I don't know what, but the woman next to me put her hand on my leg again and showed me her cell phone in her lap. It was already dialing and she put it to her ear. She had a short conversation, laughing that they were on the train towards the next station, and laughed at the other person on the line. Pleasant as church on Sunday.
By this time the pimp had relaxed a little and the woman was cuddled up to him, cooing at him. He stood up and pulled her to her feet.
"Daddy doesn't know if you're putting out your best stuff puppy. Daddy needs to see if you're still his best girl."
Without a word she hiked her dress up around her waist and leaned over the seat in front of her. Then he proceded to unzip his pants and bury himself into her violently from behind. What proceeded was several minutes of the least sexy sex in the history of genitals touching genitals. The prostitute was making facial expressions that were truly horrific, like a drunk woman leaning on the railing of a ship in rough water.
"Do you like that bitch? Do you LIKE THAT?" he yelled at her as I felt the train braking to stop at the next station.
Her face was not making that "O" face. "No Daddy...Daddy...you need to..."
And then her eyes opened as wide as they could go and there was this horrible splashing noise, like someone dumping a bucket of water and soaked sponges on the floor. The pimp jumped back about five feet, clear across the train. He was absolutely covered from navel to shoes in liquid shit. He was just standing there screaming in horror.
At that moment the train braked to a full stop and the pimp lost his balance and his feet slid out from under him; he landed in a wet splat, legs spread out, in a giant puddle of liquid excrement. Dude started to cry like a little kid.
The doors slid open and a Tri-Met cop dashed into the car, he got a few feet towards the couple and the sight and smell hit him at the same time. He started laughing and puking simultaneously.
About three seconds after that the smell got to our end of the car. Both of the women next to me dry heaved. I made it out of the train to the landing, and then doubled over and left my dinner in a puddle at the feet of another tri-met cop. She looked at me, at the two women trying to get off the train and puking at the same time and she took a step back.
"What the FUCK happened in there?" she asked, police officer voice kicking in.
I wanted to warn her, but the imagery caught up to me again and I started to giggle uncontrollably. So did the women next to me.
I had to retell that story about 20 times to various detectives, tri-met cops, tri-met PR people, Portland PD, and one judge in Multnomah County. Somehow it just never gets old.