Punxsutawney Phil, the world's most famous groundhog and America's preeminent climate scientist, has finally released his insane statement regarding the fortitude of the 2016 winter. At 7:25 a.m. his verdict came from Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania: no long shadow, no long winter, and for some reason, no groundhog bacon.
"Here ye, here ye, here ye," said a man in a top hat, topped only in nonsense by the man next to him in a top hat holding a famous rodent. The groundhog is the "Prognosticator of all Prognosticators," with more titles than Queen Daenerys Targaryen, including "Seer of Seers" (that refers to the rodent, not the Game of Thrones character). The crowd cheered the whistlepig, as the strange MC read them a new take on an old traditional poem in "Groundhogese," which somehow felt instantly dated:
The inner circle goes to great ends to keep me abreast of the latest trends, down in my burrow I never get bored riding on my hoverboard. And I sure have fun flying my drone, but the weather forecasting is my comfort zone… Is this current warm weather more than a trend, perchance this winter has come to an end.
And here the crowd swells so loudly that the groundhog can't help but look like, well, a groundhog as his MC proclaims, "There is no shadow to be cast, an early spring is my forecast!"