This police report of a man stealing a raccoon to start a car is the year's best short story.

This police report of a man stealing a raccoon to start a car is the year's best short story.
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One of the best things on Imgur right now is this incident report of a literal drunken sailor who used a raccoon to start his breathalyzer-equipped car when he was too drunk to start it himself. The raccoon, unconscious from having all the breath squeezed out of it, was discarded on the car floor. When it eventually recovered, it raised holy angry mammal hell:

This police report of a man stealing a raccoon to start a car is the year's best short story.
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Okay, so the bad news is: this story is probably not true? 

https://twitter.com/CBCStephenQuinn/status/649293071729983488https://twitter.com/CBCStephenQuinn/status/649293215800164352https://twitter.com/CBCStephenQuinn/status/649294000529244160

Boooooo! But on the other hand, we got to have a laugh without any actual raccoons getting manhandled by drunk idiots. Plus, we'll always have this little boozer:

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