A guy went on a family camping trip and returned with a souvenir that got him fired up. Redditor tornado1401 shared his story that gives the phrase "fire crotch" a new meaning in the Today I Fucked Up forum, and it's a rollercoaster.

Not only did the dude successfully survive a pubic hair wildfire, he managed to bring up THIRTEEN terms for testicles!

Read it and never go outside.

To set the scene – I was camping with my family. We went on a bike ride, and returned. My brother, after returning from the latrine, informed the family that he found a tick crawling on him. After a quick inspection of my own, I was in the clear.

A few days later, we went home. The best part of going home after camping is the ability to shower off the 17 layers of bug spray and perspiration that accumulate over a camping trip. As I was massaging the soap in my nether regions and listening to Phil Collins, I felt a bump. I looked down, only to discover a tick had taken refuge on my dangly bits. I was horrified. I didn’t want to alarm anyone, so I quickly found a lighter. I had to remove this beast from my cajones as soon as possible.

I haven’t had a girlfriend in a few months, so my jingly bells had gathered a fair amount of foliage. “No worries”, I thought, and I de-furred my peaches. I lit the lighter and braced myself for inevitable pain. I slowly lowered the light to the bloodsucking fiend.

Unfortunately, my sandbags slipped, and with it, the rest of the dense coverage. I lit my entire swamp on fire. I quickly jumped in the shower and turned the water on, and stopped the flames. My coin purse was burnt and still felt as though it was engulfed in flames. I had to stop the heat.

I quickly ran to my cabinet and found gold-bond cooling powder. I smothered my twins in the powder to the point where ants could have used it as a ski hill. Unfortunately, this made it worse. I screamed and couldn’t stop until my mother came in and found me on my bathroom floor, gripping my acorns.

TL;DR Found a tick on my huevos, lit my kiwis on fire trying to get it off. Put Gold-bon on it – only made it worse. Mother finds me gripping my marbles on the bathroom floor.

For the people keeping track at home, here are the hot new terms for testes:

1. Nether regions

2. Dangly bits

3. Cajones

4. Jingly bells

5. Peaches

6. Sandbags

7. Swamp

8. Coin purse

9. Twins

10. Acorns

11. Marbles

12. Huevos

13. Kiwis.

And another lesson? Beware of ticks. They're not afraid to get intimate.

Man lights balls on fire while trying to kill a tick. If only this could have been prevented somehow.