1. She was buying us all presents on Amazon and didn't want us to see.

"Only one left? I need 300 million!"

2. She couldn't figure out how to copy the addresses for her weekly newsletter full of Chelsea anecdotes and kitten pics.

"Chelsea's baby is cute, but not THIS cute!"

3. At her age, you want the kind of high-production-value, female-friendly porn you need to pay for.

"Who says there are no good female directors?"

4. Bill used to have sex with the staffer who controls all the government passwords.

"You're not the only one with access to NSA cams, Bill!"

5. She's Banksy.

"I'm such a great fucking Banksy."

Sources: Getty Images