Before the digital ink dried on the press release for the upcoming all-female reboot of Ghostbusters, men's rights activists demanded Hollywood right this injustice. Seriously, have you seen Ghostbusters? These are ghosts, akin in spookiness to spiders. Have you ever seen a woman around a spider? That's just what we need—two hours of women shrieking, “Oh no! That Slimer ghost just slimed my Manolo Blahniks!" Thankfully, Sony Pictures stepped up to the plate (the baseball plate, not the softball plate) and announced an all-male reboot of the all-female reboot of the bro classic Ghostbusters.
But they're not stopping there—we've obtained an exclusive look at Hollywood execs' upcoming slate of all-male remakes that will undoubtedly settle once and for all the battle of the sexes:
Original film: 9 to 5
Executive's Pitch: "We get Seth Rogen and James Franco, and even though they are high all the time and completely incompetent, they're killing it in whatever dumb business they're in, because they're likable and know the names of lots of old movies."
Original Film: Steel Magnolias
Executive's Pitch: "We take the exact same weepy script from the Sally Field cryfest but we get Adam Sandler and the rest of the Grown Ups gang back together and they do it in frilly dresses. Buy stock in money printing machines."
Original Film: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Executive's Pitch: "We get rom-com era Matthew McCounaghey back, not this post- True Detective, Oscar-winner weirdo McCounaghey, and he has sex with like a real hot lady but he's able to ditch her in time to get back down to the bar for celebratory high fives from McLovin and Romany Malco."
Original Film: Beauty Shop
Executive's Pitch: "It's basically the first Barbershop, but we call it Hair Cut Place so we don't get sued."
Original Film: The Devil Wears Prada
Executive's Pitch: "So there's like this really cool guy who's got a great job as the editor of Maxim Magazine and he's always having sex with these unbelievably hot women. Then he meets Anne Hathaway and has sex with her too."
Original Film: Mean Girls
Executive's Pitch: "There's a group of boys in a high school that are really mean to everyone. They have like these killer, hilarious insults and are always doing hilarious stuff like stuffing nerds in lockers and stuff. Then after a pep talk from Morgan Freeman, the nerds fights back and there are some brutal Raid: The Redemption-style fights that are just brutal. Brutal."
Original Film: The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants
Executive's Pitch: "A group of three diverse white teenaged boys (lower upper middle class, upper middle class, and lower upper middle class) and one minority (poor) boy find a magical pair of Air Jordans that give them all the ability to do sick dunks. Each kid gets a long montage of just the sickest dunks, and then they all get a different, economically appropriate hot girlfriend."
Original Film: The Notebook
Executive's Pitch: "Studies show the most popular aphrodisiac in Western countries is Ryan Gosling. I don't want to mess with that. This is the same Notebook, except we cut in some Gosling scenes from Saving Private Ryan and that scene of Gosling in the elevator with the hammer from Drive. It's not gay if Ryan Gosling has sex with himself, right? Prepare for a new baby boom nine months after this one gets made!"
Original Film: Bridesmaids
Executive's Pitch: "It's literally The Hangover."