Girls, please start practicing your jumping TODAY. (via Thinkstock)
You are my BEST friends in the world. Well, three of you are my best friends in the world, and one of you is my fiancé Jason's sister, Lacie, who I HAD to put in my bridal party. Lol! But I am SO excited to have you guys spend my special day with me and also do a lot of work for me leading up to that special day because seriously guys, I way underestimated how much stuff has to be done.
This email will give you all the pre-wedding information you need! Well, it'll give you all the information except how to deal with me when I call you crying at 3:30 am because my mom used her hospital job to get me speed so I could stay awake to finish all the place cards, and I have somehow become convinced that my hands are on backwards.
Ask me what you can do to help! I already have lots of duties for you, but I'm not going to tell you what they are until you ask because I want your help to seem like it comes from your heart, even if it's a lie!
If you ever have a conflict with any of the many, many events I invite you to, that's OK! Do your thing. I'll just complain about you to the other bridesmaids, who obviously love me more.
No matter who you invite to the bridal shower, where you host it, or what gifts I get, I will be disappointed. That's because I have an idea of a perfect bridal shower in my mind, but I'm not going to tell you what it is. Instead, I'm going to cling to the childish idea that my shower is supposed to be a surprise, even though I could just be a damn adult and tell you what I want so the experience could turn out exactly as I imagined it.
Also, I'm going to tell you that I want my Aunt Jacqueline there, but I don't really want her there, and I need you to just figure that out by the tone of my voice. Then you'll need to tell this member of my close family that she is not invited to my wedding shower. Bring your earplugs when you make that call, because she's a screamer with a temper problem! Lol!
ALWAYS stand at least three feet behind me. Especially you, Allison. You're too pretty.
I am having you guys buy a dress that “you can totally wear again." What I mean by that is that I am the only one with the right body type to ever wear this dress again, and I'm not even going to be the one wearing it. Lol! But I need you to all smile and nod and if you want to go the “extra mile" maybe even say something like, “Oh, I have a Christmas party that this will be just perfect for!" even though we both know you don't have any friends who are fancy enough to have a Christmas party that you can wear these to. Especially you, Lacie. Jason told me you've been having a lot of trouble making friends after college. :(
I will totally love whatever you guys plan for me, but bridesmaids who love their bride pay for their bride to fly to Vegas for a long weekend. You should probably pick a date and request time off now and also save some money because I DESERVE bottle service.
Your Bridesmaid Gifts
I just started doing Pilates and it changed my LIFE, and I think you guys should all do it too, so I'm getting you all personalized Pilates mats as your bridesmaid gift. I know some of you aren't… athletic. But I'm hoping this will be a push in the right direction, Lacie!
The Wedding Rehearsal
When I line you guys up next to me, you'll know which of you I like the best and which of you I like the least!
Ladies, if you get cheap fake champagne for the limo, I will tell every single man at the wedding that you have syphilis. (via Thinkstock)
The “Big" Day!
Oh my gosh! You'll still somehow all be there, even though I've been a heinous, wicked human to you over the past several months. Are you still there because of a sick sense of masochism, or because you know that one day, you'll ask me to do the same thing for you? Whatever the reason, put on your best fake smiles, and let's do this! I have a few day-of notes:
Tina, I'm sure you have so many fun stories for your toast! I just want you to know that there are seven stories that, if you tell them, I am going to be secretly livid about, but I'm not going to tell you which ones they are. The only way you'll know if you told one of them is if, a few months after the wedding, I always say I'm busy when you try to make plans with me.
Meredith! I'm probably going to get super drunk on accident because I forgot to eat. So I need you to get drunker than me at the reception in order to distract people. I might get REALLY drunk. So you'll need to get REALLY drunk. Like Kiefer Sutherland drunk.
Allison, I'll need you to help me lift my dress up to pee, but according to the calendar, I might also have my own “red wedding" that day (lol!), so you'll also need to help there.
Lacie, try not to embarrass yourself.
So excited for you guys to share in my journey that I awkwardly forced you into!
Love and lols,