Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Boy, it sure will be fun to celebrate your love with a bunch of terrible people you're forced to invite!
The best thing about these people is the alcohol they're holding. (via Thinkstock)
Human beings: We're all deeply broken. And nowhere is that more obvious than in the emotionally charged situation that is a wedding. Here are the 10 people that should be kept far, far away from the happiest day of your life, if social mores didn't force to you have to invite them.
1. Your friend who claims she TOTALLY doesn't mind that she's the last one of your friend group getting married.
"Really, I am SO happy for you guys. All of you! All FIVE of our friends who have been married in the last two years! And who all do married-couple double dates without me now. That must be SO MUCH FUN for you guys! Oh, no, I don't want to horn in on that couple time. I've been really busy with this SCUBA class. Well, I've been busy trying to figure out if I should take a SCUBA class. Maybe I could meet my future husband there! Or maybe I could die alone on the bottom of the ocean!"
2. One of the mothers of the happy couple.
One of the mothers of the happy couple will be a perfect, caring person. The other will be a passive-aggressive hell beast. You won't know who's who until the day of the wedding, and just like a clickbait Internet article, the answer may both surprise and disappoint you!
3. Your cousin who won't bring her baby outside when it cries and gets angry when someone says something to her.
"Oh. All these ADULTS can cry at weddings, but when a baby cries, it's a BAD THING just because it's LOUD? I know someone else who was loud and people didn't like it — the DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. Would you have a problem if HE was crying at this wedding?"
"Oh my god! You're so beautiful, I just want to pull this dumb veil off your face!"
4. Your uncle who just got divorced.
"I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think I figured out why Cynthia left me. And, and, and I need to tell you guys, because you just got married, and I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I did. Also, did I say 'I've been doing a lot of thinking?' I meant to say 'drinking.' I've been doing a lot of drinking."
5. Actually, any uncle.
He has to get drunk to dance, because dancing hurts his knees. Sure, he could not drink or dance, and thus behave himself. Oh, wait, no — he's an uncle, so THAT'S NOT AN OPTION.
6. That college friend who insists on making a toast even though people who you're much closer to now aren't making toasts.
"Hey, hey, John. You remember that time in college when you almost S'ed Trevor's D because you were gonna fail and wanted him to write that paper? And now you're getting married! Janice, I've never met you before, but you seem great. Just watch out for this one. One time in junior year, this girl thought John gave her an STD, but he actually just sucked her clit so hard he gave her a pussy hickey! Man, love is great."
7. Your cousin who just graduated from college, needs a job, and read an Internet list about the importance of networking.
He's introducing himself to every guest, and he brought a copy of his resume for each of them.
"Wearing white, huh? Guess you're a virgin. Ha! I'm wearing red to signify the blood from when my hymen broke." (via Thinkstock)
8. That girlfriend of a friend who wears an inappropriate dress because she looks SO good in it.
"I know it looks white but it's actually cream, or like, creamaki, which is cream and khaki, so it's not a big deal. Plus, I look really good in it, and I know it's the bride's day but I know she wants everyone to have a good time and a good time for me means looking good and I look really good in this dress. Like, probably better than the bride. Oh my god! Did I say that out loud? That's rude of me, haha! But seriously, you can tell me if I look better than her. No, I mean it. Tell me I look better than the bride."
9. Your grandmother's new boyfriend.
Oh, sure, he knows better than to say anything. But he'll only take appetizers from the white waiters, and boy, does he make it weird.
10. Your cousin who is currently in college and has recently learned some things about weddings.
Think that your wedding is a way of cementing the union between two equal partners who promise to love and care for each other and treat each other with respect? THINK AGAIN, SHEEP! Weddings are a tool of the patriarchy, and your cousin who's a sophomore at Sarah Lawrence wants you to know that. Or at the very least, she wants you to infer it from her black dress and sullen refusal to enjoy everything from the sincere declaration of love to a very good piece of cake. Wow, she showed you!