What should you get Dad for Father's Day? None of these dumb things.
"I hope it's better than that stupid shit you got me last year." (via Thinkstock)
Dads are eternally hard to shop for, and nowhere is that more apparent than in the inane collections of useless stuff that are Father's Day gift lists. Produced every year by every goddamn website, magazine, and newspaper, these gift lists bring together a stunning collection of items that say, "Dad, your children and wife know nothing about you, so here's something about golf or beer." Below are actual, real idiotic products that people took actual, real time to recommend you buy for your father.
1. Fancy-ass scented candle, recommended by 'Forbes.'
A thing of beauty is a joy forever, and thus this will never be a joy. (via Forbes)
This candle — or as Forbes insists on calling it, "mandle" — is $190. I did not miss a decimal point there. NOBODY SHOULD EVER OWN A $190 CANDLE. They have another recommendation on the list for a Ritz-Carlton spa package, and it COSTS LESS THAN THIS ONE CANDLE. The only reason anyone should ever pay this much for a candle is if, when you burn all of the wax off, you uncover a small scroll that reveals the cure for cancer.
2. 45-second omelet maker, recommended by Uncommon Goods.
I don't care how many positive reviews it has; it's dumb. (via Uncommon Goods)
This is perfect for the dad who loves omelets and DOESN'T HAVE FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES TO SPARE. He can keep it next to his sandwich press, quesadilla maker, rice cooker, egg boiler, and cupcake lollypop pan.