What should you get Dad for Father's Day? None of these dumb things.
"I hope it's better than that stupid shit you got me last year." (via Thinkstock)
Dads are eternally hard to shop for, and nowhere is that more apparent than in the inane collections of useless stuff that are Father's Day gift lists. Produced every year by every goddamn website, magazine, and newspaper, these gift lists bring together a stunning collection of items that say, "Dad, your children and wife know nothing about you, so here's something about golf or beer." Below are actual, real idiotic products that people took actual, real time to recommend you buy for your father.
1. Fancy-ass scented candle, recommended by 'Forbes.'
A thing of beauty is a joy forever, and thus this will never be a joy. (via Forbes)
This candle — or as Forbes insists on calling it, "mandle" — is $190. I did not miss a decimal point there. NOBODY SHOULD EVER OWN A $190 CANDLE. They have another recommendation on the list for a Ritz-Carlton spa package, and it COSTS LESS THAN THIS ONE CANDLE. The only reason anyone should ever pay this much for a candle is if, when you burn all of the wax off, you uncover a small scroll that reveals the cure for cancer.
2. 45-second omelet maker, recommended by Uncommon Goods.
I don't care how many positive reviews it has; it's dumb. (via Uncommon Goods)
This is perfect for the dad who loves omelets and DOESN'T HAVE FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES TO SPARE. He can keep it next to his sandwich press, quesadilla maker, rice cooker, egg boiler, and cupcake lollypop pan.
3. Leather six-pack carrier, recommended by 'Real Simple.'
Personalize it with Dad's initials so everyone knows what weirdo brought the beer in the leather carrier. (via Real Simple)
Have a dad who's not too good to drink beer, but is totally too good for the case the beer comes in? Finally, there's an $89 solution for the pretentious-ass man who gave you life! This is great paired with a conversation about why he thinks television is still so pedestrian, even though he's totally been rewatching Entourage.
4. Gentleman's liqueur truck, recommended by Haute Living.
Fancy booze is a-comin' into town, pa! (via Haute Living)
If your dad will only drink off of something that looks like it was made to carry a Lannister, allow us to recommend this $12,500 liqueur truck.
5. Heated socks, recommended by Sharper Image.
Plus they give your calves that "I have a battery box attached to my leg" look that all dads crave! (via Sharper Image)
I know. Picking items from Sharper Image is almost a cheat, since everything that store carries is so ridiculous, and it was hard to not put everything in their Father's Day sections. These electric socks are the perfect gift for any idiot father who's been saying things like, "I want someone to buy me a $160 pair of socks" or "I'd like more opportunities to wear electric clothing that could probably catch on fire."
6. Golf mug, recommended by Real Simple.
"The cup will add a punch of personality to a drab workspace." = Real Simple just assumes that your dad has an awful job. (via Real Simple)
Remind Dad that he likes doing a thing that takes place outside but is stuck inside earning money to support your sorry ass with this pale shade of the activity he loves.
7. A decorative iPhone charger cable, recommended by 'Details.'
Monster cables are so 2012. (via Details)
Is your father such an opaque mystery to you that you can't think of anything to get him other than an overpriced decorative iPhone charging cable? Well, hopefully the good news that this product exists outweighs the bad news of you knowing almost nothing about your dad.
8. A $78 white t-shirt, recommended by Hollywood Life.
SO EXCITED TO BE A DAD. (via Hollywood Life)
It makes sense that Hollywood Life would recommend this, because fancy Hollywood people probably have special just-feeding nannies who deal with all child nourishment issues. But for any other dad, this $78 white shirt will become a $78 dish rag after the first spaghetti night with a toddler. A $78 dish rag? Now that's extra-ordinary! And by extra-ordinary, I mean really stupid.