BE AT A BAR PAST MIDNIGHT
It appears my body has a stricter curfew than the city of Boston. No matter how much I prepare for an evening out on the town, it is guaranteed to end the same way. Even if I take a three hour nap at 4:00pm followed by a Red Bull, I still need to be in by midnight like a bearded version of Cinderella. Part of the problem is that I can't get drunk and stay drunk. I catch a buzz from my second drink, and it's all downhill from there. I find myself getting full. FULL! What kind of garbage is that? I'm now a person who consistently gets too full in my little tummy to be able to keep drinking and enjoy the night. Despicable.
ENJOY LOOKING AT TWENTY-ONE YEAR OLD GIRLS
I am not talking about dating, sleeping with, or any other sort of physical contact. That ship sailed a long time ago. I have accepted that. I'm OK with that. What I'm talking about is looking. Looking at of-age women getting legally drunk in scantly clad outfits. It does nothing for me. Sounds good on paper, right? In reality, all I see are children playing dress up and sneaking into a bar. I think the heart of the problem is that I have no real life concept of what a twenty-one-year-old looks like. I've been lied to by Hollywood actresses in their late twenties who play characters in their early twenties. It has warped my world view. I also blame pornography. Those girls weren't barely legal, they were thirty year olds with pig tails. You betrayed me, Pornography, you betrayed me.
DRINK COFFEE AFTER 3:30PM AND STILL GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT
If a single sip of caffeine touches my lips after 3:30pm, that night I will lay in bed wide awake for two hours, pointlessly flipping from one side to the other every seven minutes. "I think I know why I'm awake, I'm laying on my uncomfortable side," I will tell myself before each flip. How does a Dunkin' Donuts small coffee have such power eight hours after consumption? I drink a large coffee in the morning and feel like I need a nap forty-five minutes later... and throughout the rest of the day. Is this even an age thing? Old people seem to drink coffee all the time with no issue and they especially love it after dinner. This one isn't even fair.
MAKE IT THROUGH A NORMAL LENGTH MOVIE WITHOUT HAVING TO PEE
I always go before I get to my seat, and often I'll go a second time during the previews. It is to no avail. Around an hour in, I start looking for a dull scene in which I can run full speed through the lobby for a power pee. Fortunately, most films have a predictable love story and that special peeworthy scene comes right about the time we see the couple fighting just before discovering they truly belong together. Longer movies can be a bigger challenge. During one of the Hobbit films, I spent more time out of my seat than I would have spent in it during a regular length film. And while we're on the subject of pee talk, how come sometimes my stream hits the floor even though I'm 100% certain I'm aiming dead center in the bowl?
In my younger days, I loved to eat McDonald's. I thought I stopped eating McDonald's because my matured palette craved a higher caliber of sophisticated cuisine. I was under the illusion that it was my choice. I was incorrect. It was an evolutionary instinct that kicked in to save me from sewer food. A grown Kangaroo knows it should never revert back to crawling into it's mother's pouch once reaching adulthood. My error proved I lack the simple wisdom of a kangaroo. I was hungry and in a hurry when I saw the golden arches and decided that a Big Mac and fries would be a nostalgic treat for myself. The aftermath was noteworthy. It wasn't even a simple stomach ache, no, that would be too easy. It was a churning of my insides that made me feel as though all was wrong in the world from the inside out. Every one of my internal organs starting behaving like they were having a Chinese fire drill. Am I still allowed to use the phrase Chinese fire drill? I do not know, but there is no better way to describe the situation.
DRIVE COMFORTABLY AT AN ABOVE AVERAGE HIGHWAY SPEED
When I hit sixty-five in a fifty-five, that seems plenty fast to me. I'll do it in the left lane, too, and then get annoyed when people tailgate me. "I'm going over the speed limit, what's your problem?!?" I find myself frequently yelling at my own empty car. Seventy-five or eighty used to feel right, but now I'm all "I'll get there when I get there and who wants to deal with the aggravation of getting a ticket?" I hate myself for not joking about that last sentence.