Forget heaven. Eternal life can now be achieved simply by writing an obituary entertaining enough for it to go viral. So stop wasting time volunteering for charity or refusing to covet thy neighbor's wife. You need to use those hours coming up with clever new ways to say you liked to party. Be irreverent, but also intriguing. For example, how did this moist-lipped call center rep with a 10th grade education become "wealthy." And why is "wealthy" in quotes? We're thinking he either won a big cash prize in a Kevin Smith lookalike contest, or he's even more brilliant than we know, and he put that in there solely to make every woman who ever turned him down become sick with regret.