Most of them aren't even of sex.
Now that 50 Shades of Grey is out, the biggest complaint is that it's about as sexy as an IUD insertion. The movie's central storyline is a BDSM relationship, but the two leads have the chemistry of two people struggling to make small talk at a wake. If you've been disappointed by the most hyped faux-porno on earth, here's 12 scenes to get your erotic imagination cranking again. Real connections being made between some compelling protagonists.
1. This turtle making sweet love to a shoe.
A story of unrequited love, exploding into physical passion. Even though the shoe's just lying there, this is sexier than being smacked with a pearl-handled whip.
2. No parking on the dance floor!
The joyous expression of dance is so arousing, especially when set to the 70s gay club anthem YMCA. We're all coming out, baby!
3. Two chimps tongue tangoing.
Hell yeah. I know evolution is real because these chimps are kissing like they invented it.
4. This cockatoo 'massaging' a cat.
You could cut the sexual tension with a knife. Oh, spanking and blindfolds are taboo? Try being a parrot who wants to f*ck a cat.
5. The self-denying dog.
Sometimes the most erotic thing in the world is restraint. This dog loves these cupcakes so much, but he's gonna let them go. If it's meant to be, they'll return to him.
6. When two lions felt the love tonight.
Even as a kid, this scene made me feel funny in my pants. Were they...? What were they...? Whatever was going on out of frame, this scene is hot because of a little something called "romance." Leaping through waterfalls while a song composed by Elton John plays? Get out of here with your silk bondage rope, Grey!
7. A goose who loves a man, but where can they live?
Maria the goose loves this man more than little bits of bread. That's the most a goose can love anything. Judging from this video, that's more than humans are capable of.
8. Elephants reunited and it feels so good.
This story has pathos, a love triangle and a surprise ending. Real emotion makes compelling drama! She said, weeping.
9. This fox getting his belly rubbed by luckiest man on earth.
This is straight up cuteness porno. It's POV, lots of moaning and the camera man runs a continuous commentary. But you don't feel like the fox is faking it, ya know?
10. Tiny hamsters on a date!
Damn, take a girl on a date before you give her a binding dominant and submissive sex contract.
11. Death by chocolate.
Sometimes Hollywood gets it right. This scene is CGI, but the sentiment is real. Losing yourself in the thing you love is bliss right until the end.
12. Baby goat butting towards love.
Classic: barriers between lovers builds anticipation. In 50 Shades of Grey the barrier is that the guy is a jackass. This goat has a real barrier. It's called a door.