This Week in GOOP: Gwyneth wants you to pay this much money for cutoffs.

This Week in GOOP: Gwyneth wants you to pay this much money for cutoffs.
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Welcome to This Week in GOOP, where Gwyneth Paltrow proves she's not one of us by actually getting along with her ex.

We start with an article called Why Fermented Foods Matter. I was hoping this would reveal why I should drink wine with breakfast, lunch and dinner (or rather, why wine should be breakfast, lunch and dinner) but alas, it's just a very long piece discussing the virtues of eating things like kimchi and sauerkraut.

There are some interesting tidbits here, but my primary takeaway was learning “clean-eating coach" is a real job someone really has.

What does this person do? I'm picturing her following me around and blowing a whistle every time I have a Slurpee and yelling QUINOA, MAGGOT! DO YOU EAT IT? Which sounds super stressful. Now I need a "relaxation coach." (This is another term for "bartender.")

Next, Gwynnie highlights the website Fatherly.com. Given her description – “it speaks to the legions of dads out there who are interested in obsessing online about their little ones" – I was prepared for the male version of those ultra-annoying mommyblogs, but I was totally wrong.

This is actually a pretty badass site that runs the gamut from the lighthearted to the funny to the touching and profound.

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The site is dad-focused but certainly not dad-centric, and while it does lean upper-class, there's a lot of great stuff here for smart parents just trying to raise smart kids. Definitely check it out.

Now that we've visited that little island of sanity, let's leave it behind and move on to The Summer Beach Guide, a collection of seasonal clothes, shoes and accessories. Surprisingly, there are lots of things here mere mortals can afford from places like H&M, Victoria's Secret and Land's End.

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And then … well, things get downright GOOPy. Take, for example, this asymmetrical one-piece ($338) with a gold belt, fit for any 1960s-era Bond Girl.

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Having done a ton of product copywriting, I know it can sometimes be hard to creatively describe things, but this says the suit “suggests the sophistication of a mermaid princess who knows exactly the label of Sauv Blanc she'll have in hand at sunset" and “the wine's golden color will match the gleaming accent belt." And that? That's some primo bullshit right there.

On a scale of one to five thesauruses, I give it a strong 5/5. Would read again.

We close with the What's New page, which this week includes an assortment of $300 bikinis, a $240 romper (unless you're in the fourth grade, stop it with the rompers already) and some $400 kicks.

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If that seems expensive, maybe trade in one of the shoes for this $180 pair of shorts from Le Cut Off.

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I can hear my dad's voice in my head: Le Cut Off? More like Le Rip Off! Especially since you can get a whole pair of Le High jeans for just $30 more. Le High? More like Le High Price! (This is why my dad is a pilot and not a comedian.)

As always, Gwynnie, we're not worthy.

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