Welcome to This Week in GOOP, where Gwyneth Paltrow is all about that bass as long as the bass is organic, fair-trade and gluten-free.
Regular TWIG readers (I read the Facebook comments so I know who you are, hi!) may recall a previous edition in which Gwynnie engaged in some ironic navel-gazing over narcissistic parents. This week, she wants you to consider whether you're romantically entangled with a narcissist. Are you in love with someone who's diabolically self-centered? asks the woman who wouldn't sully herself with a word like “divorce" and thus brought us into the era of “conscious uncoupling." Well, are you?
In fairness, there are some valid points in the piece, but they lost me when they said “the word intimacy can be broken down into the words 'IN TO ME YOU SEE.'"
Call me cynical but if I can picture your self-help advice in swirly script on top of a photo of a couple holding hands in a meadow, I'm out.
Next, Our Lady of GOOP introduces us to Maud Helene, a clothing line she describes as “Italian cotton, made in NYC, designed by a beautiful couple from France." In other words, if that snotty girl who always made you feel like shit in high school was a clothing line, this might be it.
There are only six pristinely white items highlighted here, but this one's my favorite: the $350 Aristide Shirt Cape, which is promised to be “supremely flattering" and “a lot less cape-y" once you have it on.
It's perfect for anyone who loves raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, or perhaps needs to solve a problem like Maria.
Moving on, let's review the Spring Dress guide, which is divided into three trends Gwynnie loves: non-prissy florals, a "fresh spin" on the little black dress, and "broderie anglaise (i.e., sick eyelet)."
What is "sick eyelet," you ask? This. This, my friends. This is "sick eyelet."
What you're seeing here is the Sacai Eyelet Combo Dress (go see it in motion), which retails for $1315 and "pairs a sleek knit top and eyelet skirt for a charming look" reminiscent of something your kid made you for your birthday that you'd coo over and wear once (hoping no one saw you) before getting rid of it by claiming it got lost at the cleaners.
And finally, Gwynnie has a reward for you. Through midnight PST on May 20th, use the code "goopthelove" for 30% off (almost) anything in the GOOP Shop.
You can't use it for that sick eyelet (it's currently convalescing on the Saks Fifth Avenue site), but you can use it for lots of other overpriced things -- so have at it.
As always, Gwynnie, we're not worthy.