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2015 may be less than a week old, but it's already hemorrhaging hot trends, fashions, memes, and cultural stuff as violently as a ripe old year (2013, maybe, or 2010). There's so much hot stuff happening, you could practically fill a whole column with it, if you really had to! So for those who've spent the year so far under a rock, I'm sorry that's where your life is at. Here are biggest trends of 2015 ever:

Cops

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We're used to them coming at us head-on, nostrils flared, but in 2015, that's changing fast. Since they've started turning their backs on mayors en masse, look for cops trying out a lot of new angles on the average citizen: sidewaysed, diagonalish, even upsie-downs, walking on their cop hands with everything falling out of their belts! Now that law enforcement's broken free from the same old drab spatial orientation, anything goes on these streets!

Cuba Mania

Now that Obama's normalized American relations with Cuba, Cuban culture is flowing freely into the states and fast infecting America's youth! All over, Cuba-crazed teens are refurbishing classic Plymouths, bumping Buena Vista Social Club from their Beats Pills, wearing twice as many Che shirts at a time, and redoubling their commitment to public literacy programs. Don't be surprised when arroz con pollo and ropa vieja show up on the McDonald's Dollar Menu, and if you are surprised, what the fuck? I just told you about that.

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Channel Surfing

Streaming video is so unforgivably 2014. The fresh ass in that vaunted throne belongs to channel surfing, or "churfing" - not to actually find something to watch, but as a nostalgic throwback to the era where the only thing "on demand" was Mom's famous sixty-cent microwaved nacho-dillas. Trendsetters everywhere are bashing their AppleTVs with jagged rocks and futzing with dented old rabbit ears, churfing the night away, inane images flickering across their deadened eyes.

The Hunger Games

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Folks still love those Hunger Games. Can't get enough of those Hunger Games. Katniss, Peeta, you name it, they love it. Is it the only thing they can love anymore? They're worried that's the case!

Custom FitBits

2014 introduced these snappy little fitness bands to the public, but 2015's already all about hacking, modding, and DIYing them. Enthusiasts are rejiggering their 'Bits to track how much blood they have, dispense treats for reaching step goals, and vibrate in the presence of ghosts (a feature built into the firmware but hidden in the code). All this is illegal under Fitness Law, so expect a lot of public executions.

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Employment

Say goodbye, in 2015, to the archaic concept of the "full-time job." In 2015, it's way more "in" to string together dozens of low-paying gigs, completed haphazardly and half-heartedly, in a state of constant panic, for the ultimate benefit of large corporate conglomerates and their ad agencies and the degradation of privacy, imagination, truth, and public discourse. But like, no big deal or nothing.

Comedy

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2015's buzziest new webseries is "Keep It Together, Annie!" about a fresh-faced 20-something improv comedian's (mis)adventures as she rides the struggle bus towards laughter and love in the big city. If you liked Obvious Child except for the jokes and the abortion part, check out "Keep It Together, Annie!"

Pregnancy Pacts

They're back in a big way! While mid-aught pregnancy pacts featured one, maybe two babies per participant, the PP's of 2015 are massive and sprawling, because of social media or some shit. Come August, thousands of girls in flyover states will be giving birth to tens of thousands of screaming babies, in a synchronized spawning that leading experts in whatever field this is believe will eventually choke the Mississippi delta with placenta. Save our wetlands!

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Jeb

By every indication, we're gonna be talking about Jeb Bush all year. 2015 is already being called "The Year of Jeb," "Jeb's Time To Shine," and "Two Thousand Jebteen: A Jeb Odyssey." Thanks to all this buzz, by 2016, trendwatchers predict Jeb will grow twice as large and split his skin.

Birding

I got up before daybreak on New Years Day to go birding with my uncle, and even though I wasn't expecting to, I enjoyed myself. We drank hot black coffee from a tartan Thermos, and I saw a pine warbler. Birding will be huge in 2015.