Facebook! Gentrification! Florida! Sex positions! Current events! It was quite a week. Here are 25 of the funniest tweets by women for the week of 9/26/16:
Tom Sawyer quits Facebook, sneakily signs back in to see who liked his farewell status— Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) September 24, 2016
i wrote a list of everything i needed to finish by today but i lost it !!!i lost the list!if only i'd written "do not lose list" on the list— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) September 30, 2016
when i die plz don't clean out my camera roll. Plz curate my best nudes and nastiest texts and publish a coffee table book— jugs bunny (@alliewach) September 30, 2016
two women kept saying "Katy Perry" over&over in British accents while I was having diarrhea in a public restroom is this purgatory am I dead— Bez (@Bez) September 28, 2016
A woman with a guide dog just walked past Westminster Abbey and he didn't even bother telling her about the history of it. What's the point— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) September 25, 2016
WHY MY KID IS CRYING: they don’t exist, never have, it’s an extension of the loneliness of life and knowing it will end & there’s nothing— Bec Shaw (@Brocklesnitch) September 24, 2016
Can't wait for November so I can finally get rid of this election anxiety and go back to having regular anxiety.— Missy Baker (@TheMissyBaker) September 27, 2016
A couple on house hunters was talking about what will happen when their kids are teens. Don't worry guys, you'll be way divorced before then— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) September 27, 2016
Why does being sick bring out the worst in you? And why does my upstairs neighbor move furniture every day of his life?— Cristela Alonzo (@cristela9) September 24, 2016
YOLOLO: You Only Laugh Out Loud Once. The other lol's are lies.— may wilkerson (@shutupmay) September 29, 2016
Love is finding an emergency contact you can have sex with— Megan Amram (@meganamram) September 30, 2016
Favorite sex position? Puppy-style (where he jumps on you, pees and then whimpers throughout the night)— Jen Spyra (@jenspyra) September 30, 2016
I have a folder on my computer called "receipts" of all the screenshots I take of things I feel like someone will probably delete.— april lavalle (@imatoofbrush) September 27, 2016
my neighborhood is "just walked through two instagram photoshoots" gentrified— Ziwe (@ziwe) September 25, 2016
We should make society choose one: legal gun ownership or legalized toplessness everywhere 24/7. YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THE END OF GUNS AMERICA.— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) September 24, 2016
Come check out this show I'm on called "See, we booked a girl." It's 6 white dudes and me.— Myka Fox Ⓜ️ (@MykaFox) September 23, 2016
Looking at apartment: "ooh granite countertops!"— Rhea Butcher🏳️🌈⚾️ (@RheaButcher) September 30, 2016
Two weeks after you moved in: "uh I broke another glass."
Four weeks: "we have no glasses."
I bet all of my exes would've acted better if I knew I was writing a memoir. I bet any day now they'll call and say they want me back. Any d— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) September 29, 2016
the irony is hillary has sent me 33,000 emails since last night— Zoë Klar (@zoeklar) September 28, 2016
Just read a text saying "how are you" as "how dare you"— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) September 29, 2016
Say what you will about Florida, but vacationing there makes me feel really good about my thighs— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) September 30, 2016
*responds to one email* i am saving the world— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) September 30, 2016
anything you eat in your car doesn't count— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 27, 2016
Reporter: How do you think you did at last night's debate?— summer goth (@NicCageMatch) September 27, 2016
Trump: I wasn't there.
Reporter: I'm pretty sure you were.