Well, another week's come and gone. Let's see, there was the Met Gala, the failed Fyre Festival, Star Wars Day, and oh yeah, this little thing called the AHCA. Here are some tweets (mostly about healthcare), enjoy them while you still can. The government might be coming for your laughter.
The GOP: How will I tell my kid two women love each other?— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) May 4, 2017
The rest of us: how will I tell my kid that I can't afford to keep him alive?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) May 2, 2017
I was not selected during the 2017 NFL Draft. I would appreciate privacy during this difficult time.— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) April 30, 2017
Ivanka Trump is a feminist icon in the way that Typhoid Mary was a public health icon.— Matt Nedostup (@nedostup) May 4, 2017
The dating advice I always get is- be yourself, have fun. WELL, WHICH ONE IS IT?!— Missy Baker (@TheMissyBaker) May 4, 2017
Recap May 4, 2017:— Rob Fee (@robfee) May 5, 2017
Us: May the fourth be with you haha
Congress: You're all gonna die. We're throwing a party to celebrate your cancer lol
I'd say it's ok to feel angry and sad and frustrated today but those might be preexisting conditions so better to keep it all bottled up.— Jesse Berney (@jesseberney) May 4, 2017
Are you there, Andrew Jackson? It's me, Amanda. Can you stop my dad from leaving 10 years ago?— Amanda Mancino (@Manda_like_wine) May 1, 2017
Michel Foucault with his cat Insanity, Aldous Huxley with his cat Limbo, & Jean-Paul Sartre with his cat Nothing pic.twitter.com/FCGhAliga3— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) April 29, 2017
PRISONER: What are you in for?— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) May 3, 2017
ME [doing an incredible number of bicep curls]: I chuckled when the Attorney General said he wasn’t racist
So how long until GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?— Lon Harris (@Lons) May 4, 2017
I just walked out of the therapist's office crying as she rubbed my shoulders and yelled "Be brave!" it was like Rocky for the shame-based— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) May 3, 2017
OLD RICH OUT-OF-TOUCH WHITE MAN DISORDER remains untreatable— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 4, 2017
ivanka trump is the rachel dolezal of feminism and should be treated as such.— Jessica Blankenship (@blanketboat) May 4, 2017
"Healthcare is not a right!"— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) May 4, 2017
"Healthcare is not a right!"
The chant grows louder
A tentacled demon rises from the volcano.
"I AM ARISEN."
Hey this health plan is no big. If you're sexually assaulted just don't report it so u can get medical insur...oh I see why they want this.— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) May 4, 2017
"May the 4th be with you. lol"— ♡ brian essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) May 4, 2017
Ha! Congressman you're hilarious, but what's your vote?
"Oh sorry. One vote to let poor people die, please"
What kind of a lunatic believes in themselves— Molly (@Molly_Kats) May 3, 2017
You don't get to vote for a President who grabs women by the pussy and then be offended by something a comedian says. Those are the rules.— beth can't with this (@bourgeoisalien) May 3, 2017
All of America is just the Fyre Festival now— elan gale (@theyearofelan) May 5, 2017
Today I learned that dentists don't like it if you erotically caress their fingers with your tongue.— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) May 1, 2017
i for one am looking forward to dying in a gutter from the common cold— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) May 4, 2017
Sure, you may no longer qualify for health insurance, but remember, laughter is the best medicine!— Nick Martucci (@BlunderingIdiom) May 4, 2017
Also, laughter is illegal now.
was gonna donate a bunch of shoes to charity now i'm saving them up to throw at house republicans when i see them— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) May 4, 2017
It appears that as usual, out of all the people at the museum, I'm the one who appreciates art the most— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 3, 2017
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died— sammi 🚬 (@sammmmmmmantha) March 8, 2017
As the sun sets on my fields of wheat, the 4 crossfit dudes stealing my tractor tires fade into the horizon. I hate them but I respect them.— Ceej (@ceejoyner) May 5, 2017
"You can have health care."— Julius Goat (@JuliusGoat) May 4, 2017
"Unless you've been sick."
"Or are sick."
"I don't think that's how—"
"Wait, are you a lady?"
Conservatives: Abortion is murder! Every life is precious!— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 3, 2017
Also conservatives: Fuck your sick baby that's not my problem go get a 3rd job.
"I dont care if you're about to give birth to the son of God, immaculate conception is considered a pre-existing condition. Try the manger."— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) May 4, 2017
Ah, yes, the only thing that can stop you from thinking about your son murdering a dog. https://t.co/lNG91BCTTh— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) May 5, 2017
HOW COME Y'ALL AIN'T TELL ME HOW GOOD FUNNY GIRL IS LIKE HAVE YOU EVER MET ME? I AM ANGRY AND SHOOK.— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) May 5, 2017