Donni Saphire has favorited over 600,000 tweets on Twitter and he loves them all equally. He reads every tweet so you don't have to.
This was a big week for baseball as the Cubs performed their traditional "losing dance" to the Mets, Trey Gowdy dropped a hot new Benghazi track (ft. Hillary Clinton), the season is getting spookier, a new Star Wars trailer forced people to wake up to the fact that the release date is getting closer, and Adele used a flip phone: These are the Top 43 Tweets Of The Week!
the most dificult yet most respected play in baseball is if u steal first base. dont even wait for the pitch just start running— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 17, 2015
[interrupts other presidential candidates] Pokemon is real— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) October 18, 2015
I gotta fall in love and get my heart broken right when Adele's album comes out so I can really do it the right way this time.— ☹️ (@shayfromonline) October 22, 2015
A lot of women have faked an orgasm to "move things along." Not sure why everybody on that conference call was so wigged out.— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) October 22, 2015
The thing is, if you’re going to blame Bush for 9/11, you have to also give him credit for pulling it off.— Larry (@VocabuLarry) October 17, 2015
My cabbie's driving philosophy is what if nothing matters— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 23, 2015
*buys a shitload of books but doesn't read em* aw yeah it's all comin together— Cohen King of Ghosts (@skullmandible) October 17, 2015
Just heard an elderly British woman order "chips & Guatemala" & not sure if I've ever felt joy till this moment.— Megan Gailey (@megangailey) October 20, 2015
Me: [crying so hard I can't breathe] why— moody monday (@mdob11) October 18, 2015
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Me: I'm a BRONTOSAURUS?? I knew it, a magic dinosaur omg— Deirdre (@figgled) October 18, 2015
Doctor: no you have bronchitis
Me: I'm a miracle
Dr: you're really quite gross
"this show contains adult situations"— Michele (@inthefade) October 17, 2015
*cut to scene of couple paying taxes*
*misses five minute long train announcement because I had headphones on* eh I'm sure it's fine— Topshelf Tyson (@topshelftyson) October 22, 2015
I don't know if this is a sign of me getting older or not but I'm becoming more aware of Snoopy's attitude and I don't care for it.— Fahim Anwar (@fahimanwar) October 18, 2015
Everyone in this casino is having fun and absolutely ready to fight at the same time.— Tronald Dump (@ChrisCubas) October 18, 2015
Sleep study in the streets, sleep apnea in the sheets— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) October 18, 2015
Him: you look tired today— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 19, 2015
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Please don't call me baby I am a grown man I don't even own that many baby clothes anymore— Karl From Online (@HammerFist3) October 19, 2015
JUDGE: did you do it?— Paul (@FrenulumBreve) October 22, 2015
PROSECUTOR: he's lying.
JUDGE: ah, this is tougher than it looks.
my cab driver is breaking up with his boo via speaker phone and this is why uber is winning— Desus Nice (@desusnice) October 18, 2015
<player tosses ball to ref after play...ref runs it in for a touchdown, refs win and celebrate like CRAZY>— josh groban (@joshgroban) October 19, 2015
Do you think postal employee kisses taste like envelope glue? They have to. They HAVE TO.— vineyille (@vineyille) October 21, 2015
A fun prank is to short sheet someone's bed but right before they go in there you just start stabbing 'em like soooooo many times— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) October 16, 2015
At hotels I will add an item to the minibar and charge them the reasonable fee of one thousand dollars. The business sword cuts both ways!— Bart Freebairn (@bartlol) October 17, 2015
Canada, just like my high school student council, is now led by a guy named Justin.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) October 20, 2015
Everyone is excited about Star Wars. Everyone is excited about Gilmore Girls. Hear me out: Gilmore Wars— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) October 20, 2015
Fantastic new trailer. Breathtaking. Powerful. Stunning.— Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) October 20, 2015
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip is the movie I've waited my whole life for.
Sorry I dont like Star Wars because Im technically not a virgin— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) October 20, 2015
In life, not everyone will like you and that's just something you have to not accept.— Megan Kelly Dunn (@megankcomedy) October 21, 2015
Bernie Sanders always looks like a bird stole his hat and he hasn't realized yet— extremely online guy (@nickmullen) October 21, 2015
I'm in a mansion and no one wants to party. No one told me life was gonna be this way.— David Gborie (@thegissilent) October 20, 2015
Hollywood fun fact: actresses over 35 are fed to the MGM lion— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 22, 2015
TLC, ever think maybe he's only in the passenger side of his best friend's ride due to an oppressive system rigged on race and class lines?— John Roy (@JohnRoycomic) October 19, 2015
Every haunted house movie it's like oh no a ghost in the piano room, off the parlor, across from the study? Cry me a riv bitch I rent a 1BR— Jamie A Lee (@TheJamieLee) October 22, 2015
ME: i'm just glad to be alive— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 16, 2015
DOCTOR: well ur heart's in the right place
HEART SURGEON [nervously whispering to doctor]: dude not anymore
pizza in the morning— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) October 22, 2015
pizza in the evening
pizza at suppertime
when pizza's on a bagel
i beg god for water and vegetables but he listens not
Dream job: Crazy old coot who staggers out of the woods to warn teens about haunted summer camp— Jason Miller (@longwall26) October 21, 2015
5-year-old: What's it called when someone is mean to you for no reason?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 23, 2015
Me: The Internet.
maybe you're not having a shitty day maybe your good times are just buffering— Ayesha A. Siddiqi (@AyeshaASiddiqi) October 22, 2015
1886: We invented a car!— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) October 22, 2015
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
2015: Taco Emoji!
october is going by so fast. i haven't picked out my costume, or been to a haunted house, or murdered anyone, or even carved a pumpkin— judgmental gay 🦄 (@jdgmntlgay) October 22, 2015
My favorite thing about Adele is that her "squad" consists of some dead autumn leaves and a strong breeze— Sam Lansky (@samlansky) October 23, 2015
Wanna time travel? Check out last week's top tweets.