Donni Saphire has favorited over 610,000 tweets on Twitter and knows them all by name. He judges everyone's attempts at winning online laughter and love so you don't have to.

In a tumultuous week, The Twitterverse was rocked by news that bacon might cause cancer, that a billion-dollar blimp existed, that said billion-dollar blimp had crashed, and that Paul Ryan had finally agreed to lead his grumpy colleagues in Congress. Basketball is back, baseball's almost over, the season's getting colder AND spookier; better have your costume by now! Behold, the top 43 tweets of the week: