What a week! Bill O'Reilly was fired, the second weekend of Coachella is about to start, and it was just 4/20 (a holiday for pot smokers or for Nazis who love Hitler). Let's see what everyone's been tweeting about this week.
Weed is the gateway drug to chips.— april lavalle (@imatoofbrush) April 20, 2017
When you vacuum and your girl doesn't notice. https://t.co/qWr5Deo7sz— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) April 21, 2017
I know Flo Rida is the rapper for me because all of his songs are either about staying at home or eating cake.— Alyssa Wolff (@alyssawolff) April 21, 2017
*Stranger Things theme music plays as I lift the lid on very old leftovers*— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) April 21, 2017
first look at the promo shot from CBS's new show "The Amazing Racists". pic.twitter.com/Da9Qygs6wx— Travon Free (@Travon) April 20, 2017
we'll miss everything about brent except his pranks they were the worst [hears everyone at my funeral agree and I shift nervously in casket]— brent (@murrman5) April 20, 2017
it took forever but i got your yelling bees— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) April 16, 2017
for the Easter egg hunt
"i said fill them with jellybeans"
[kids screaming outside] uh oh
When are we going to get a Marvel movie where the whole thing is a post-credits scene?— Matt Nedostup (@nedostup) April 18, 2017
it's time we start asking where this mountain lion was radicalized https://t.co/wenDPwDZcM— Ziwe (@ziwe) April 18, 2017
Coachella is a Spanish word meaning "white baristas in cornrows."— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) April 15, 2017
You ever step back and look at your life through someone else's eyes? Yeah, dont do that.— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) April 11, 2017
GOD: *making goldfish* Let them live briefly and not recall a moment of their existence— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) April 18, 2017
ANGEL: You are just not in a good place are you
Now THIS is a basketball game!!!— Josh Siegal (@JoshSiegal) April 21, 2017
- Me, after four tries, correctly identifying a basketball game
If this plane goes down please remember me as one who, above all else, simply adored cancelling and being cancelled on— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 19, 2017
ME: Do you ever suddenly get sad trying to remember the smell of the house you grew up in?— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 17, 2017
DRIVE THRU SPEAKER: That's one Diet Coke, no ice?
The only reason I know how many bones there are in the human body is because of Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2.— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) April 17, 2017
I accidentally left the "e" off when I meant to say "Take care" in an email and I had to honor it. Can someone drive me to work tomorrow— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 19, 2017
tfw the easter bunny has such sights to show you pic.twitter.com/f4QhlxrbYH— keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) April 16, 2017
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back— Ceej (@ceejoyner) April 20, 2017
Me in the fitting room to make sure I have full mobility. pic.twitter.com/6n1Pv9qlQn— Kambo $lice 📍 (@straddleyomind) April 18, 2017
[prenatal screening]— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 18, 2017
doctor: I’m afraid I have bad news
me: we’ll love it no matter what
doctor: your baby is racist
you just lost yourself a sale pic.twitter.com/gRDDAyvKWp— Elle Oh Hell🤺 (@ElleOhHell) April 18, 2017
[wins a hot dog eating contest I didn't realize I was a part of]— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) April 20, 2017
Bannon: 4/20 should be a national holiday!— Twitnter is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) April 20, 2017
Aide: I didn't know you smoked weed.
B: [hiding his Happy Hitler's B-Day card] Er yes...weed...
just saw a guy who looked so much like donald trump jr. w/ a mullet that i KNOW he only grew a mullet to stop looking like donald trump jr.— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) April 15, 2017
Doctor - "you've been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?"— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) April 20, 2017
Me - "no?"
Doctor - "and I'm afraid you never will. You're dying"
I'm on this diet called The News. Honestly, I've never felt worse!— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 20, 2017
I moved on her like a bitch but I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits. pic.twitter.com/eyLcK6ZNaZ— Brendan Smith (@blacksab67) April 18, 2017
Life can be hard, but it’s important to remember that after we die alone there is a very real possibility we will be sad forever as ghosts.— vladchoc (@vladchoc) April 19, 2017
I'd feel much more satisfied if Fox News got fired too.— Brook Lundy (@brooklundy1) April 19, 2017
Life is crazy -- one minute, you're worried someone doesn't like you, and the next, you're still pretty worried about it.— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) April 20, 2017
Finally indulged my fiancé in his Princess Leia fantasy. Took me over an hour to braid his hair, but he said it was worth it.— Jen Spyra (@jenspyra) April 21, 2017
As is traditional, I'm singing Fleetwood Mac's 'Landslide' in its entirety to my sponge before finally throwing it out. Goodbye little buddy— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) April 15, 2017
If Alex Jones is real he could lose his kids, but if he's fake he loses Infowars credibility. It's a douche-22.— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) April 18, 2017
me in person: isnt this weather great— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) April 19, 2017
me on facebook: does anybody want to go to the park today
me on twitter: can somebody please murder me