At every funeral I pocket the dirt I'm supposed to throw on the coffin. Nobody notices. Haven't had to buy dirt in five years— TOM (@tomwalkerisgood) December 22, 2016
Breaking: Demographic Without Money Doesn't Give A Shit About Buying Unnecessary Stuff pic.twitter.com/PBVFICGjEN— Kashana (@kashanacauley) December 16, 2016
TEEN VOGUE: Trump National Security Advisor Met With Head of a Neo-Nazi Movement— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 20, 2016
CNN: How Many Clouds Does It Take To Hold Prince's Guitars?
Where Are They Now? A Christmas Story pic.twitter.com/w7Vzu6j8ac— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) December 22, 2016
"Wow, that's a great story. I will now tell you, in great detail, about a tangentially-related thing that happened to me."— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) December 21, 2016
I'm screaming who's lil mans is this pic.twitter.com/uAY4L3kugs— Eva Marie (@Tbheva) December 21, 2016
if you cant handle me at my "bit by a radioactive lobster" u dont deserve me at my "using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son"— DVS (@DVSblast) December 22, 2016
me: I want an all natural birth when I have my first kid. No epidural— chchch (@sweeetlikeh0ney) December 21, 2016
*gets a menstrual cramp*
Please stop forcing the women in chocolate commercials to look like they're about to fuck a piece of chocolate.— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) December 19, 2016
being in love is exhausting and i think i'd rather be in a big pile of dogs thankyou VERY much— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) December 21, 2016
If my girl 👰🏼— Ten Gallon Fedora (@sam_reginald) December 16, 2016
& monster 👹energy ⚡️
both 👥 drowning 🌊😢
& I could only save one 🤔😬
catch me 👨🏻at her funeral ☠️⚰️
unleashing 💪🏼the beast🐉
I keep seeing a "lost parrot" sign. They have to let it go.— quinta b. (@quintabrunson) December 20, 2016
That parrot's a pigeon now.
Blankets are actually the best technology.— Ashly Perez (@itsashlyperez) December 22, 2016
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news pic.twitter.com/bF6KofDLWw— Hippo (@InternetHippo) December 21, 2016
If you have your own name on your favourite team's jersey, you are approximately 75% more likely to sign up for a credit card at a game.— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) December 21, 2016
Dog: Whatcha doing?— Erren (@ErrenMichaels) December 18, 2016
Me: Shaving my legs.
Me: So that I'm not covered in...
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
she: i have sold my beautiful hair to buy ye this chain— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) December 19, 2016
he: alas love, i have sold my watch to-wait who bought your hair
she: idk some perv
[in traction] Before you ask, yes you can make cheese from moose milk and no I didn't think she'd spook so easy.— power user (@hippieswordfish) December 17, 2016
Me: *laughs in spanish*— Francis Calles (@xo_golden) December 21, 2016
Delta Airlines: pic.twitter.com/50e0o9iOpj
I like having a Christmas tree mainly because it feels nice to not to be the only thing slowly dying in my living room— ♡ brian essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) December 18, 2016
I weep at the size of my infant's head pic.twitter.com/YllqtEurRK— village fetish (@botandy) December 20, 2016
adult fiction: I am riddled w ennui shall I cheat on my wife perhaps— ANTHONY OLIVEIRA (@meakoopa) December 18, 2016
YA fiction: overthrow govt and also kill its grasping maoist successor
Ah yes. Glad I left myself this reminder. pic.twitter.com/haVX58Bqyx— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) December 19, 2016
missed connection: you walked by my house and saw me drinking from the hose. please respond with the hose color so I know it's you— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) December 17, 2016
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle— Government Tanks (@Burger_Time_) December 17, 2016
*A wizard gazes out at the moon and stars*— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) December 22, 2016
Wizard: this gives me an idea for a hat
When you see delicious human flesh but know you must wait for the cover of darkness pic.twitter.com/LHhrGnAN9K— Ari Scott (@ariscott) December 20, 2016
LOST IN THE WILDERNESS— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) December 19, 2016
Day 1: I'll have to rely on all my survival skills!
Day 2: [I've already been dead for 5 days somehow]
The problem with shopping online is the rest of the internet. I never walk into a store and spend an hour watching old music videos.— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 21, 2016
Shout out to all the rebels out there, eatin' cottage cheese nowhere near cottages and whatnot.— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) December 23, 2016
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they're the reason you can't leave bags unattended.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) December 23, 2016
my son is a cigarette pic.twitter.com/CFwu83R3Li— Conner O'Malley (@conner_omalley) December 21, 2016
[Starbucks meeting]— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) December 20, 2016
ME: Sorry I'm "latte" haha
BOSS: Aren't you the guy we fired for biting a customer
this is how you are greeted in hell pic.twitter.com/MVaMEE9Xz0— alana hope levinson (@alanalevinson) December 16, 2016
December 31, 2016, 11:59:55 PM— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) December 20, 2016
Me: "Well, at least it's over--"
[a dog runs in and bites my penis off]