It was a tough week. Amidst the holidays, we said goodbye to George Michael, Carrie Fisher, and Debbie Reynolds. Unwind with jokes about lobsters, Tinder, detectives, and more, in the top 39 tweets of the week!
1.
I’ve been watching so much porn lately. Not even for the sex. Just trying to get ideas for a new couch
— Jen Spyra (@jenspyra) December 28, 2016
2.
If you get a rental house in Maine every goddamned thing will have a lobster on it. pic.twitter.com/agywRte8zv
— Timothy Simons (@timothycsimons) December 28, 2016
3.
I'm imagining Drake & J Lo listening to "I'm real" in the car & Drake making J Lo do the Ja parts so he can sing
— Rikky! Rikki! Rikkè! (@rwxoxo) December 28, 2016
4.
My nephew George just realised his mate Leo had started on his summer body 6 weeks earlier than him 😳.
— Andy Lee (@andy_lee) December 28, 2016
We've all been there. pic.twitter.com/84nlKuRqpD
5.
Some copy editor's going to have a not-so-nice day. pic.twitter.com/FxRZ4NOPc3
— Shikha (@TheCommanist) December 29, 2016
6.
i wish we could open new tabs during conversations. coworker talkin to me about the weather BOOM new tab lets talk about famous dogs instead
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) December 29, 2016
7.
I promposed to a guy in high school but he turned me down because prom was the week before Bonnaroo and he wanted to "focus on packing"
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) December 28, 2016
8.
I love when women wear their natural hair in a big ass poof at the top of their head. Got you lookin like a fine ass pineapple. A fineapple.
— Willie (@fuckwillie) December 27, 2016
9.
when ur drunk & acting a fool & u recognize that but not enough to stop urself pic.twitter.com/kFUzNpBXpv
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 26, 2016
10.
(my house, 20 years from now, listening to "baby, it's cold outside")
— Slammin Bod Jeb Lund (@Mobute) December 23, 2016
my son: man, this song is real weird
me: it used to get cold outside
11.
What my brother doesn't understand is that I will retaliate by sending his kids a real bear. pic.twitter.com/WX2nO3fJbn
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) December 24, 2016
12.
Hey, noticed you were in the bathroom, so I figured you'd want me to push the door open, come inside, and just stare at you.
— will weldon (@oldmanweldon) December 29, 2016
Sincerely, dog
13.
Funny how when you show the slightest hint of vulnerability they suddenly don't want to talk to you anymore pic.twitter.com/GLpO3W6UA5
— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) December 29, 2016
14.
SOURCES OF STRENGTH
— Lauren Duca (@laurenduca) December 27, 2016
*Kindness
*Watching the patriarchy quiver with toxicity in a vain attempt to quell the power of defiant women
*Dogs
15.
Why the divorce? Well shawty, causation for divisions in a familial unite can derive from a multitude of discommodious eventualities ya dig? pic.twitter.com/el6ybqGTjb
— Ol' QWERTY Bastard (@TheDiLLon1) December 28, 2016
16.
New term for when your friend won't respond to your texts = "The Casper" (friendly ghost)
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) December 29, 2016
17.
the poker moderators hate me, as do all of the moderators of any message board where i'm a member pic.twitter.com/yCkYJGrHY0
— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) December 28, 2016
18.
American Detective: I solved the case by breaking all the rules
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) December 25, 2016
British Detective: I solved the case by noticing a specific umbrella
19.
Definitely just forgot the word 'menu' and asked for a 'map of the food'.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) December 24, 2016
20.
2016 resolution: eat healthier
— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) December 26, 2016
2017 resolution: kill a nazi with a flamethrower
21.
Christ shrek 2 sounds a lot more intense than I remember pic.twitter.com/nLfDXMOTFg
— maria callas updates (@grgmell) December 27, 2016
22.
All I want is the woman on the train with the posh British accent to say "hodgepodge" again
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) December 27, 2016
23.
oh cool let me just use my newly purchased scissors to cut this zip tie and... hey wait a minute pic.twitter.com/C2jprURGLf
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) December 27, 2016
24.
WELL, THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS FRIGHTFUL. A SHOWER OF SMALL ANIMAL BONES POURING FROM SKIES THE COLOR OF A SCREAM.
— Daniel Manitou (@ActualPerson084) December 26, 2016
25.
"Pinocchio?" I haven't heard that name in years pic.twitter.com/fYBV6ENiG0
— A Ghost Saucy (@yerpalmildsauce) December 24, 2016
26.
Love Wahlberg saying "they messed with the wrong city" @ the end of Patriot's Day trailer. As if other cities would be like, "This is fine."
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) December 25, 2016
27.
the name's pic.twitter.com/I3PHSGbXzD
— josh (@ruinedpicnic) December 29, 2016
28.
Don't forget the reason for the season: Earth's tilted axis.
— Matt Nedostup (@nedostup) December 28, 2016
29.
There is no such thing as a perfect parent. So just be a spider. pic.twitter.com/A7AnHJGKRt
— ghost mom (@radtoria) December 25, 2016
30.
Me: I'll watch a "How To Change a Tire" video just incase.
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) December 29, 2016
Youtube: Here's more tire videos. U love them. It all u think about. Tires, baby!
31.
La La Land (2016) pic.twitter.com/6lMfzo0q7a
— Kibblesmith ⚔️ (@kibblesmith) December 26, 2016
32.
[bleeding out]
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) December 28, 2016
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I've never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
33.
Every Christmas I make my kids gather near the fire & watch Rihanna's family unwrap Chanel backpacks on Snapchat
— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) December 24, 2016
34.
Futuristic movies need to come to a consensus on whether shooting security panels with a laser gun opens a door or keeps a door from opening
— Shane (@Shanehasabeard) December 26, 2016
35.
Rather than write a good Hanukkah tweet, I will write eight bad ones.
— Matt Koff (@mattkoff) December 25, 2016
36.
I love it when the website starts judging your password before you're done entering it like chill out it's gonna have more than one letter
— Μxrk (@mxrk) December 26, 2016
37.
Anytime I see someone on Tinder with more than two pictures of them outside i'm just like "Nah, this chick thinks shes a tree or some shit"
— Dale McPeek (@DaleMcpeek) December 26, 2016
38.
Charlie Brown summing up 2016 pic.twitter.com/ZJfXdzeSE3
— Clint Smith (@ClintSmithIII) December 27, 2016
39.
fuck people who say fuck people who say fuck 2016.
— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) December 28, 2016