The top 39 tweets of the week, as picked by someone who spends all day on Twitter.

I’ve been watching so much porn lately. Not even for the sex. Just trying to get ideas for a new couch

— Jen Spyra (@jenspyra) December 28, 2016

If you get a rental house in Maine every goddamned thing will have a lobster on it. pic.twitter.com/agywRte8zv

— Timothy Simons (@timothycsimons) December 28, 2016

I'm imagining Drake & J Lo listening to "I'm real" in the car & Drake making J Lo do the Ja parts so he can sing

— Rikky! Rikki! Rikkè! (@rwxoxo) December 28, 2016

My nephew George just realised his mate Leo had started on his summer body 6 weeks earlier than him 😳.

We've all been there. pic.twitter.com/84nlKuRqpD

— Andy Lee (@andy_lee) December 28, 2016

Some copy editor's going to have a not-so-nice day. pic.twitter.com/FxRZ4NOPc3

— Shikha (@TheCommanist) December 29, 2016

i wish we could open new tabs during conversations. coworker talkin to me about the weather BOOM new tab lets talk about famous dogs instead

— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) December 29, 2016

I promposed to a guy in high school but he turned me down because prom was the week before Bonnaroo and he wanted to "focus on packing"

— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) December 28, 2016

I love when women wear their natural hair in a big ass poof at the top of their head. Got you lookin like a fine ass pineapple. A fineapple.

— Will (@Iad3uxieme) December 27, 2016

when ur drunk & acting a fool & u recognize that but not enough to stop urself pic.twitter.com/kFUzNpBXpv

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 26, 2016

(my house, 20 years from now, listening to "baby, it's cold outside")

my son: man, this song is real weird
me: it used to get cold outside

— Louise Mensch Source (@Mobute) December 23, 2016

What my brother doesn't understand is that I will retaliate by sending his kids a real bear. pic.twitter.com/WX2nO3fJbn

— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) December 24, 2016

Hey, noticed you were in the bathroom, so I figured you'd want me to push the door open, come inside, and just stare at you.
Sincerely, dog

— toot (@oldmanweldon) December 29, 2016

Funny how when you show the slightest hint of vulnerability they suddenly don't want to talk to you anymore pic.twitter.com/GLpO3W6UA5

— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) December 29, 2016

SOURCES OF STRENGTH

*Kindness

*Watching the patriarchy quiver with toxicity in a vain attempt to quell the power of defiant women

*Dogs

— Lauren Duca (@laurenduca) December 27, 2016

Why the divorce? Well shawty, causation for divisions in a familial unite can derive from a multitude of discommodious eventualities ya dig? pic.twitter.com/el6ybqGTjb

— Ol' QWERTY Bastard (@TheDiLLon1) December 28, 2016

New term for when your friend won't respond to your texts = "The Casper" (friendly ghost)

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) December 29, 2016

the poker moderators hate me, as do all of the moderators of any message board where i'm a member pic.twitter.com/yCkYJGrHY0

— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) December 28, 2016

American Detective: I solved the case by breaking all the rules

British Detective: I solved the case by noticing a specific umbrella

— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) December 25, 2016

Definitely just forgot the word 'menu' and asked for a 'map of the food'.

— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) December 24, 2016

2016 resolution: eat healthier
2017 resolution: kill a nazi with a flamethrower

— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) December 26, 2016

Christ shrek 2 sounds a lot more intense than I remember pic.twitter.com/nLfDXMOTFg

— george (@grgmell) December 27, 2016

All I want is the woman on the train with the posh British accent to say "hodgepodge" again

— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) December 27, 2016

oh cool let me just use my newly purchased scissors to cut this zip tie and... hey wait a minute pic.twitter.com/C2jprURGLf

— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) December 27, 2016

WELL, THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS FRIGHTFUL. A SHOWER OF SMALL ANIMAL BONES POURING FROM SKIES THE COLOR OF A SCREAM.

— Daniel Manitou (@ActualPerson084) December 26, 2016

"Pinocchio?" I haven't heard that name in years pic.twitter.com/fYBV6ENiG0

— 265 Days to ShitDay (@yerpalmildsauce) December 24, 2016

Love Wahlberg saying "they messed with the wrong city" @ the end of Patriot's Day trailer. As if other cities would be like, "This is fine."

— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) December 25, 2016

the name's pic.twitter.com/I3PHSGbXzD

— josh (@ruinedpicnic) December 29, 2016

Don't forget the reason for the season: Earth's tilted axis.

— Matt Nedostup (@nedostup) December 28, 2016

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. So just be a spider. pic.twitter.com/A7AnHJGKRt

— ghost mom (@radtoria) December 25, 2016

Me: I'll watch a "How To Change a Tire" video just incase.
Youtube: Here's more tire videos. U love them. It all u think about. Tires, baby!

— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) December 29, 2016

La La Land (2016) pic.twitter.com/6lMfzo0q7a

— Kibblesmith ⚔️ (@kibblesmith) December 26, 2016

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I've never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) December 28, 2016

Every Christmas I make my kids gather near the fire & watch Rihanna's family unwrap Chanel backpacks on Snapchat

— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) December 24, 2016

Futuristic movies need to come to a consensus on whether shooting security panels with a laser gun opens a door or keeps a door from opening

— Shane (@Shanehasabeard) December 26, 2016

Rather than write a good Hanukkah tweet, I will write eight bad ones.

— Matt Koff (@mattkoff) December 25, 2016

I love it when the website starts judging your password before you're done entering it like chill out it's gonna have more than one letter

— M✖︎RK (@mxrk) December 26, 2016

Anytime I see someone on Tinder with more than two pictures of them outside i'm just like "Nah, this chick thinks shes a tree or some shit"

— Dale McPeek (@DaleMcpeek) December 26, 2016

Charlie Brown summing up 2016 pic.twitter.com/ZJfXdzeSE3

— Clint Smith (@ClintSmithIII) December 27, 2016

fuck people who say fuck people who say fuck 2016.

— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) December 28, 2016