This week, the news was all about the aftermath of the presidential election. So now, just sit back and relax with jokes about psychics, Silicon Valley, lunch boxes and more, in the top 41 tweets of the week!
I keep this card in my wallet at all times and refer to it at least twice a day. pic.twitter.com/Rkb0rJ3DZ3— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) November 18, 2016
lmao remember last week when we were all like 'why will nobody fuck me' and now we're all like 'i am going to save democracy'— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) November 14, 2016
ladies if he sleeps in or has morning plans , he wishes you were dead and Hopes a crow is eating ur bones. like in cartoons pic.twitter.com/SHrnGa9Xay— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) November 17, 2016
[arriving to thanksgiving in a whipped cream bikini]— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) November 15, 2016
anybody order a cutie-pie
Woman Who Voted For Flesh-Eating Virus Hopes It Decides Not To Eat Any Flesh pic.twitter.com/TykJfR3duj— Kashana (@kashanacauley) November 12, 2016
The people who were really mad about women ghostbusters are running the country now— Froghammer (@froghammer) November 12, 2016
Wow. How is my son going to pull off this most coveted of theatrical roles pic.twitter.com/SD6cOdBx6x— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) November 16, 2016
The correct response to a sidewalk psychic asking if you'd like a reading is "You tell me."— Erin 🎶Gloria🎶 Ryan (@morninggloria) November 16, 2016
how is the #1 porn site on the web not called the internut— miel (@miel) November 18, 2016
[Stripclub]— Ally Gator 🐊 (@notacroc) November 15, 2016
STRIPPER: so you're the birthday boy
ME: *nervous* yes
STRIPPER: is this your first time?
ME: *points to cake* no i'm turning 26
I don't care what the subject matter is you can't start an article like this and expect me to not read it in the Barenaked Ladies voice pic.twitter.com/9bB08KDMFZ— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) November 16, 2016
Didn't realize "breaking the glass ceiling" was going to be more of a Kristallnacht situation— Megan Amram (@meganamram) November 17, 2016
Imagine if Silicon Valley spent as much time solving actual problems as some startups do catering to man-children who can't do their laundry pic.twitter.com/okhn7uRGMl— Maya Kosoff (@mekosoff) November 17, 2016
In order to save space, Ricky Gervais & Seth McFarlane are both one guy now. Frankly, it's been a long time coming— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) November 18, 2016
please come see my Limp Bizkit cover band pic.twitter.com/djSwswPxBG— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) November 17, 2016
"I'm a theoretical physicist," she says.— batkaren (@batkaren) November 16, 2016
"D-do you not exist?" I ask, suddenly beginning to tremble. "WHAT ELSE IS THEORETICAL?"
MADDOW: we are joined by Russian journalist Masha Gessen. Masha, is it true that we are the same person in alternate storylines? pic.twitter.com/nP2yimnVGv— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) November 12, 2016
A guy hit on me by asking how my muffin was. I unfortunately didn't realize & just gave him an in depth review of the muffin. It was banana— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) November 17, 2016
Phillip K Dick's wikipedia section headers sound exactly like how I imagine my 2017 pic.twitter.com/KVcPqM8B1C— droob 💬 (@droobis) November 17, 2016
I'm in such a state of despair that I understand French movies.— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) November 17, 2016
I have a friend who doesn't drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser— ♡ brian essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) November 14, 2016
i would NEVER fuck david blaine. he'd come crawling out of my pussy like 5 years after we broke up or some weird shit. no thank u. im scared— SadeVEVO (@fillegrossiere) November 17, 2016
"Is it okay if I use the CIA twitter account to tweet a picture of a plate?"— Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) November 16, 2016
"Yes of course it is"
"It's Hitler's plate"
"I don't care" pic.twitter.com/I5UvtKQl7D
When you thought you had enough money, then you check your bank account pic.twitter.com/uYWlDHmlqm— TK (@Iamking_3) November 16, 2016
My old roommate was so passive-aggressive. She'd always leave me lil notes. It's like just SAY IT TO MY FACE that you're committing suicide.— Jamie A Lee (@TheJamieLee) November 17, 2016
When you accidentally put "Have a hood day!" on a professional email. pic.twitter.com/M8EXC7O8Dc— Paul Casillas (@PaulyPeligroso) November 17, 2016
People think I'm a good listener but I'm just listening for the right time to casually bring up the hot dog eating contest I won in 97— ghost mom (@radtoria) November 16, 2016
Me: *briefly stops thinking about tomorrow*— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) November 11, 2016
Fleetwood Mac: Dude, what the fuck??
CRYPTOLOGY IS NOT THE STUDY OF MAUSOLEUMS EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) November 16, 2016
me getting fucked by capitalism: um im actually a top— merritt k (@merrittk) November 17, 2016
in this picture: me in the (background) a quart container of talenti sea salt caramel in the office fridge w/nobodys name on it (foreground) pic.twitter.com/CEwqp5kPVn— rory (@rorynotroy) November 16, 2016
BEN CARSON: secretary?? i don't want to be a secretary, no thank you— content provider (@cwhudson) November 15, 2016
POLITICAL AIDE: no, you'd be......nevermind
BEN CARSON: i am a doctor
Saw a naked homeless guy in the middle of the street screaming "WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE!" I've never related to anybody more in my life.— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) November 18, 2016
It's the freakin weekend, accept your biology & its limited time here, care for each other & become dirt.— Doth (@DothTheDoth) November 11, 2016