Each week I put my potential drinking problem to work for the fine people of the Internet, polishing off an entire bottle of wine while scouring Twitter for some dank Tweets. Here is what was funny, at least at the time. Oh, and as always, feel free to lecture me about my drinking and/or how some of these aren't funny in the comments. I probably deserve both.
If you're willing to look past the drawbacks of falling down stairs, it's actually a very effective method of getting down stairs— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) September 14, 2017
Living in the UK must be so cool pic.twitter.com/yg4KUh7zrU— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 16, 2017
Say what you will about white people, nobody is better at coming up with new ways to spell Hayley.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) September 11, 2017
Billy Corgan - "The world is a vampire"— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) July 22, 2017
Crowd - "wooooooooo"
Neil DeGrasse Tyson [loudly from back] "no it isn't"
When you take a selfie to get a photo of the hottie behind you! pic.twitter.com/VK0QKuEe4G— Angie Morrison (@cadburysmirnoff) September 8, 2017
"Formerly calming", now this tea makes you freak the fuck out pic.twitter.com/l2MXHOrfkt— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) September 13, 2017
yo this inflatable is CHUCKING IT BACK LMAOOO 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 pic.twitter.com/CBbhdGMgGL— rob69 (@robcosta69) September 11, 2017
Sarah Huckabee Sanders always looks like she's trying not to seem drunk while asking a pet store cashier for eight beagles. pic.twitter.com/Ls5WYdkZrv— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) September 13, 2017
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 19, 2013
Welcome to your 30s. You now have Home Advil and Purse Advil.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) September 7, 2017
I got 99 problems and all of them are luftballons— Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) September 7, 2017
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant "I'm not married but I don't want men to talk to me"— Megan Amram (@meganamram) September 14, 2017
What a time to be alive. pic.twitter.com/uuZmqpFFUx— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) September 11, 2017
Just started writing my first porn script! pic.twitter.com/pgtRXr1TEy— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) September 16, 2017
computer, show me what it would be like if dennis the menace and mr. wilson switched bodies pic.twitter.com/EyAx563nO2— Jake Currie (@jakecurrie) September 15, 2017
That's what I get for not reading the instructions. pic.twitter.com/dK9y1VF2sE— Jocelyn Plums (@ColoradoUgly) September 16, 2017
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?— mo (@chuuew) September 4, 2017
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.— Paul (@FrenulumBreve) August 19, 2015
INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again.