"Score another victory for millennials" is the way this video about opening a Whole Foods for millennials starts, and I hate everything.
Every time older people define a younger generation, they do it with a barfy mix of condescension, dislike, and "How can we sell more things to these people we both condescend to and dislike?" And thus, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Whole Foods' new concept: a grocery store for millennials.
How the fuck did this even get to the point of being a real thing? I feel like somebody played a joke on the Whole Foods executive team where they were like: "Hey, guys (snicker, snicker). I was talking to some real-life millennials, and they were all like 'Man, we love good, ethical food, but our parents' grocery stores are so lame and expensive that we'd rather just get our nutrients by vaping! I wish there was a grocery store for me, where they had selfie stations with really cool carrots.'" And then the Whole Foods executive team went into a fugue state and here we fucking are.
Whole Foods co-CEO John Mackey announced the move earlier this week, and everything he said to describe it just makes it sound like a cheaper Whole Foods with dumb fucking buzzwords thrown in. Like, look at this bullshit:
Great, because I'm sick of those grocery stores that have no curation and give you literally every product from literally every producer. (via Time)
So the stores will use "innovative technology." For fucking what? What does that even mean? You could use "innovative technology" to make small drones that inject people with herpes when they first enter a store. I have heard that the millennials love intensely personal experiences, and what's more personal than giving someone an STD?
But here's the thing that bothers me more than the dumb buzzwords and sense of disconnection from the customer base they're trying to target: When it comes down to it, it just sounds like they're making a cheaper, more streamlined Whole Foods that will feature ethically produced foods at lower prices. You know who will love that? Millennials and EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON WHO EATS FOOD. I mean, unless you're one of those weird jerks who wants to have the price tag out on your rare-ass smoked salmon spread as a way to brag about how poorly you spend your wealth, how does spending less for good food not sound like a great idea? (BTW, I'm not against people enjoying some rare-ass smoked salmon, but I am against people wasting money by paying more than they need to for it.)
So, basically, whenever this thing opens, you'll be able to find me there. I'll be the one with a heart full of anger near the carrot selfie station.