Gather round, children, and let me tell you the story of comedian Steve Zaragoza from Los Angeles, who accidentally sparked a vicious feud between two rival bidet companies on Twitter.

What's a bidet? It's a device, similar in appearance to a toilet, that squirts water into your bum to keep your private parts clean. They come from a far-away land called Europe, where the bums are more sensitive and sophisticated than ours.

Here is how the story begins:


Later that very day, a confident bidet company called Bidot took the bait:

But perhaps they were too confident, because two days later, a bidet company called Brondell, Inc replied:


Zargoza told them what he was looking for:

And Brondell made an enticing offer:

This is when guns were drawn.


From across the internet, Bidot fired the first shots:

Our friend Steve could barely believe his eyes.

But the situation only escalated from there, as Brondell fired back with this low blow:


Then Bio brought out the Big Gifs:

So Brodell whipped out an even sharper weapon: the word "actually."

Bio shot back:


It was then that Zaragoza knew that he had won, having achieved the dream of "perfect meme."

He was showered with RT's from all across the land, as his peers regaled him with the highest honors:


The lesson we learned tonight? Don't ever wrong a bidet company.

Also never, ever approach a bidet face-forward, a lesson I learned during a trip to England when I was ten.

Sources: Twitter