"Could you please use the word in a sentence?... Sorry, I should specify I mean a coherent, logical sentence."
"Who defines the definitions?" (via Thinkstock)
Urban Dictionary contributors are weirdos. The website houses definitions for some of the most deranged sexual acts, most of which I'm sure don't actually exist (or if they do, I don't want to live in a world in which they exist). On top of that, even the most innocuous, everyday terms are often given a demented twist by the website's users. What I've always found the most entertaining about the site, however, is the examples people use when defining words. They are always so weird and random. Take an entry for smoking, for example. Pay attention to the back-and-forth between Ariel and Kayla:
Why do they jump off a bridge at the end? Can't they just say they're gonna go smoke and that's it? This is a prime example of why the examples are always so weird: They start off normal, and then some weird element is added to the scenario at the end. It's confusing. You gotta justify the bridge thing! Is it a small bridge that people jump off of recreationally? Did Kayla and Ariel have a suicide pact? I need to know up top.
I've taken it upon myself to fill in the blanks for some of the posts, just to clear things up a bit. I chose these randomly by going through a bunch of entries (which was traumatizing enough on its own), so they're a bit all over the place, but I generally tried to stick to ones that added weird, unnecessary details to what should be a straightforward scenario.
1. The KGB is a cockblocker.
The Soviet Union. 1967. We were in dark times. As I made my way through the streets of Moscow, I felt like I was being followed. Was it because I was involved in anti-Brezhnev activity? That's none of your business. I ducked into a little tavern to shake off my stalkers. Cigarette smoked filled the air as soft polka played on the jukebox. I ordered a vodka on ice and sat at the bar. It was closing time. The young people were deciding whether or not to go home alone. The dude and some fine-ass woman were gettin' their game on when KGB showed up fucked up and put his arms around them. He didn't even know he was being a cockblocker. I ducked out quickly, but it wasn't enough time. The bastards grabbed me and put me in their truck. As we drove away, I saw the city fading in the distance. Thus began my life as a political prisoner.
2. Guy 2 is way too into hot-boxing.
Guy 1 picks Guy 2 up.
Guy 1: Hey man.
Guy 2: OMG! Hey! What's up. I'm so happy to hang out with you tonight!
Guy 1: Yep...Me too...
Guy 1 puts on the radio.
Guy 2: I love this song! This song rules! We have the same taste in music; we're like twins!
Guy 1: I just put it on a random station...
Guy 2: Hooray!
They pull up to the movie theater.
Guy 1: Let's park behind the movie theater and hotbox this mofo.
Guy 2: Fuck yes. This is the funnest night ever!
Guy 1: What is wrong with you?
Guy 2: What?
Guy 1: Can you just chill? We're just smoking a little and going to watch a movie, it's not that big of a deal.
Guy 2: Oh, sorry.
Guy 1: It's fine, it's just kind of weird.
Guy 2: No, I know. I just don't have a lot of friends, so when you said you wanted to hang out, it was a really pleasant surprise. I was excited, that's all.
Guy 1: Oh, wow. I'm sorry, man. That's really deep. Thanks for sharing. I didn't mean to be an asshole.
Guy 2: Just kidding. I LOVE YOU!!! YIPEEE!
3. Species dysphoria is a very serious condition.
A jail cell.
Investigator: So what did they do again, officer?
Police Officer: They broke into the zoo and tried to live with the animals.
Investigator: Jesus. What did you say in your deposition?
Alyssa: I told the shrink that I feel like a wild animal trapped in a human body, and she said it sounds like classic species dysphoria.
Jacques: I know I was meant to be a dolphin. Why did I end up a sexy human instead? Species dysphoria sucks.
Jerry: If only I'd been born a bird, I wouldn't have to spend so much money on flying, parachuting, hang-gliding, sky-diving and base-jumping. Damned species dysphoria.
Investigator: Any chance you guys have heard of furries?
Jacques: Yes. (A pause.) Fuckin' weirdos.
4. Andrew always wanted to be a singer.
Me and Andrew work on a construction site.
Andrew: Did you listen to the new Coheed and Cambria album?
Me: Hell yeah!
Andrew: Man, In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth is like the most Uber song.
Me: Yeah dude, Man your own jackhammer
Andrew: Man your battle stations
Me: You can't sing like Claudio Sanchez can.
Andrew: I know...
Me: What's wrong?
Me: No, come on, tell me.
Andrew: Well, it's just that, you know, I really thought I'd be a singer one day, but then I got a job, and got married, and there's the kids, and the mortgage, and taking care of my parents. Life just kind of happened right before my eyes.
Me: Hey bud. It's never too late to follow your dreams.
Andrew: You think so?
Me: I know so.
I put my hands on Andrew's shoulder.
5. Peter meows at people.
Vincent: Thanks for coming in again, Peter.
Peter: No problem.
Vincent: I think we've made a lot of progress in treating your species dysphoria.
Peter: Me too.
Vincent: You seem to be adjusting to being normal teenager on again.
Vincent: So how was prom?
Peter: It was great!
Vincent: You dance with alotta girls?
Peter: No. Just went 'meow meow meow' the whole time.