Call me traditional, but I believe a wedding ring belongs on a finger. And now there's medical data to back this up. A 28-year-old South African man experienced a rare case of “penile strangulation” after putting his wedding ring on—can you guess?—his penis.
But here's the thing, a wedding ring is not a sex toy. Apparently, the ring caused the man’s penis to swell up so much that he couldn't remove it, and his mother (!!!!!!) had to take him to a nearby hospital.
At first, doctors tried to cut the ring off with a tiny surgical saw, but this didn't work for reasons relating to using a saw very close to a man's penis. So instead, the doctors were eventually able to reduce the swelling using a syringe and a pink needle. Fortunately, the patient is recovering from the minor surgery, but we can not confirm whether he is recovering from that ride to the hospital with his mom.
That might be an even worse kind of pain.
The case report, which is helpfully titled "Successful removal of a penile constriction wedding ring in a rural area," also notes that if this should this happen to you:
“No proper guidelines exist for the treatment of this condition, so the ‘best method’ is the one with a successful outcome.”
So next time someone you or someone you know gets a ring stuck on their penis, please pass along this information. But also, never, ever, ever do that.