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Everyone has been on a first date that was going so badly they've fantasized about climbing out of a bathroom window or faking a family emergency to escape it. But for one woman, her date was going so poorly that she felt the need to get the police involved. New York-based author Alexander Chee tweeted this snippet he came across in the Amherst police blotter, and he probably could not write a story this bizarre if he tried (actually, he wrote The Queen of the Night, so he definitely could).