Why would God make this? Week 2: The Giant Panda

Why would God make this? Week 2: The Giant Panda
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Further evidence that God is not great: he allows pandas to continue their disgusting lives unchecked.

Why would God make this? Week 2: The Giant Panda

Like the ghost of a better bear, the braindead panda stares into the distance, all the while thoughtlessly munching a piece of bamboo. God is dead. (image via Thinkstock)

Scripture tells us that God so loved the world that He gave us His only son, Jesus, so that we could have eternal life. Then, I guess as some sort of prank, God made The Giant Panda. And now all believers will be forced to live with at least the memory of these awful beasts for all eternity.

If ever there were a being that is the absolute opposite of Jesus, it is the panda. Jesus was a physically fit miracle-working spiritual leader who understood the human condition so well that he amassed a following of billions of people after his death. The panda is a fat, lazy, half-dog/half-manatee land mammal that can barely reproduce. God chose the serpent as a way to illustrate the Devil in the Bible, but if He were looking for a real nemesis to humankind, He need look no further than the panda.

Why would God make this? Week 2: The Giant Panda

The Giant Panda looks on dumbfounded, black rings around the eyes as if God punched it in the face twice upon finishing it. (image via Thinkstock)

Though a carnivore, the panda's diet is 99% bamboo. Not because it's good at digesting bamboo. It's not. At all. It eats tons and tons of the fast-growing plant, barely getting anything out of each individual bite.

The Lord gave them the tools to rip apart most other animals for sustenance, yet the ever-lethargic panda won't use any of God's gifts to provide its family food. Instead they are insistent on eating the same meal over and over and over. Man cannot live on bread alone, but this mistake of nature will only treat itself to a stick from the ground when it has limitless options. Other bears must treat pandas the way humans (rightfully) treat vegans. With utter disdain.

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As if that terrible choice weren't enough to convince you to never think of the panda again, they also have no interest in mating. They know they were God's mistake, and don't want to perpetuate that mistake over and over again. Most pandas in captivity only get pregnant from artificial insemination even after the male pandas are given large doses of Viagra. The panda is self-aware enough to not wish its fate upon its offspring.

Why would God make this? Week 2: The Giant Panda

A rare image of an entire panda family gorging itself on bamboo, God's first failed attempt to make grass. (image via Thinkstock)

And yet, the world praises this hideous beast. They find this atrocity "cute." Possibly because of videos like this:

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I counter this video with another video of a panda nearly killing a man just so he could play with his shirt. They are killing machines with no respect for human life:

If you need more evidence that God wants to extract Himself from any connection to the panda, consider this: every single panda living on Earth is technically the property of the godless nation of Communist China. All pandas in other countries were given as gifts. That's how awful pandas are. God gave them to China, and China regifted them.

Why would God make this? Week 2: The Giant Panda

A bear without a country. (image via Thinkstock)

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So the next time you look upon the panda with awe or "awws," remember that it is sitting there merely waiting to die because it knows that's what God wants also.

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