The ultimate irony is that God made the most unholy of creatures seem like it's perpetually standing in a pious way.
Like a green scorpion with the head of an alien being, the mantis blends in with his surroundings in an attempt to evade God's justified wrath. (image via Thinkstock)
The word "mantis" comes from a Greek word meaning "prophet," but no prophecy could foretell the utter horror that is The Praying Mantis. Able to quickly slice through every bit of prey with its raptorial legs (including, dear reader, its own kind), the mantis is far from a seer of God's will, and more in tune with a robotic killing machine from Terminator.
A mantis peeks out from behind a leaf, to see if the coast is clear to destroy any number of God's finer creations. (image via Thinkstock)
Science can only guess how this damned species emerged from the primordial ooze. Some say it's closest to a termite, others say that the creature edged its way into this world from a species of cockroach. The mantis crawled away from God's most wretched bottom feeders to become a versatile monster who can evade all matters of death.
Unlike most bugs, the mantis finds its prey by sight. It can move its head a full 90 degrees to either side and can see a full 65 feet ahead of itself. That, paired with its incredible speed, makes all the other oblivious beings that get anywhere near it poor lambs on their way to slaughter. If only Adam and Eve had not eaten from the Tree of Knowledge, surely then the Garden of Eden would only be shared by nice ladybugs and snails, rather than these soulless beasts.
The mantis poses with its prey, knowing full well the God-fearing photographer is too frightened to say a word. (image via Thinkstock)
Would that the mantis only preyed on these poor smaller bugs. Then, my children, I wouldn't have to reveal this: 90% of all mantises practice something known as "sexual cannibalism." If only I could stop there and let you imagine the horrors for yourself, but alas, since God permitted nothing like it to happen in humankind, this practice must be explained.
As the male begins coitus with its mate, the — dare I go on? — female starts eating the head of the male while still in the midst of accepting his seed. The male, bless his tiny bug heart, continues to mate vigorously so long as the pieces in use are still intact. Lord, send a blinding light to erase the memory of this information!
A female eats her mate, his last thought likely questioning whether he wants his progeny to experience anything similar. Why has God done this to any living thing? (via Thinkstock)
How could a loving God submit anything He made to this fate? How could an all-knowing God have this information in His head every day and not move to fix it by divine intervention? I can only guess this is all leading up to a great battle between Man and the forces of evil, led by a giant mantis, whose habits we will know from years scientific study, and hopefully, guided by that wisdom, we will rid the mantis from the Earth.
A child experiences a crisis of faith while looking upon the fearful predators God littered about the planet. She hesitates to let them escape the jar. (via Thinkstock)
For those who don't believe a creature like that described above could walk the land next to us, here is a video to watch (if you dare). Go with God: