Look, desperate times call for desperate measures, that's understandable. You're in the middle of getting all hot and heavy and just about to do the deed, when you realize something important is missing—the condom. But however much you might be tempted to improvise and bang anyway, do not do what this teenager did and USE CLING WRAP. No! Bad teen, bad!
In an essay for Total Sorority Move, titled "That Time I Used Saran Wrap Instead Of A Condom," a woman recounts being a recently deflowered 17-year-old who narrowly escaped a contraceptive disaster. She arranged a "sleepover" with her boyfriend at his sister's house, in hopes of having slightly more romantic sex than the post-school quickies they'd managed thus far.
So when we arrived at his sister’s house for the evening, I was ready for a romantic evening and he was not. After making small talk over dinner with the woman who shared his genetics, watching some bullshit show on the TV, and pretending to be tired, we headed off to bed. That’s when everything started going to shit.
Unfortunately, she relied on him to remember to bring protection (mistake number one). Just as they're getting really into it, he breaks the bad news that he doesn't have a condom, and she wracked her brain for alternatives.
As I was sitting there waiting for him to return from his mission, an idea popped into my mind. A memory, almost. Back in the day when I was obsessed with the musical Grease(because yes, we all had our first sexual fantasies thanks to Danny Zuko) I remembered the scene where John Travolta rubs Saran Wrap on his dick.
She goes on to explain that when she asked her mom about that scene as a 10-year-old, her mom told her that if a guy didn't have a rubber in the "olden days," he'd use some Saran Wrap instead. (Parenting tip number one: do not tell your kids about the cling wrap option, even if they are 10 years old and you don't think they'll remember it later. Tell them that he was using the cling wrap like a lint roller to get some cat fur off his skin tight jeans. Tell them anything except that sometimes desperate horny teens will try to use a food wrap products as a contraceptive.)
She relayed her plan to her equally clueless teen boyfriend, who ventured out naked and returned to the bedroom with his hard-on wrapped in cling wrap like a freezer entrée. Constricting though it looked, he said it wasn't painful, although his constant grimacing during initial positioning belied him. The delay and change in logistics dried up her previously wet vaj, and because they didn't bring lube either (oh, teens), she thought it would be a good idea to spit on what was now effectively a still-wrapped extra-wide Slim Jim attached to his pelvis.
I knew that guys liked that (thanks Google), but I didn’t exactly know how to do it properly. Did I need to get phlegm? Should I hover above and let it drip out, or sort of shoot it from my mouth from a side angle?
Long story short (too late!) she and her boyfriend managed some awkward, quick, very friction-y sex before he came and rushed off to the bathroom to unwrap his dick-wich. And according to her, "that shit worked," because she didn't get pregnant. Ummm, sorry, but just because she narrowly escaped getting knocked up does NOT MEAN that using packing tape or a Zip-lock baggie or really any sort of plastic containing device that is NOT A CONDOM during sex is a good idea. Teens, listen up: carry condoms! Line your purse with them, make a necklace out of them, fold one up real small and shove it into a poison ring, whatever you do, think of them like a teen's version of an American Express and DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT THEM.
Read the whole terrible ordeal over on Total Sorority Move.