5 important questions we'd like to ask the season premiere of Downton Abbey.

5 important questions we'd like to ask the season premiere of Downton Abbey.


1. Can we have the entire season be nothing but Lord Grantham being turned down for bullshit committee chairs and ribbon cutting ceremonies and whatever else he pretends is a job?


No one asked you because you're the Donald Trump of British bluebloods. Except at least Trump went bankrupt over and over again on fun stuff like casinos. You sunk everything into a Canadian railroad, like anyone in Canada has any need to get to any other part of Canada. Even your grandkid can't muster any respect for you.


Don't let the door hit you in the ass, Donk.

Let's keep this going. He should be constantly passed over for stuff in favor of his servants. Have Daisy steal his spot on the Town Committee In Charge Of Asking Out Loud Why Rich Landowners Can't Get A Fair Shake. Have Thomas weasel into Grantham's seat on the Council For Giant-Headed Milquetoasts. Have him show up to dinner one night and discover that they gave his seat to the dog.

2. I know it's season 5, but can you try just a little harder than this?


Big day, huh? Good luck, Mary!

Character exits are tough to write, I know, but literally anything might have been more interesting than that.


Intriguing. And in character. Or how about...


I want to know more! Or maybe just...


Now that's the spunky Lady Mary the bachelors are lining up to marry. Give her some dialogue she can hang an eyebrow on, for Pete's sake.

3. Can this bitch get over himself already?


The mirror, girlfriend. Look at it! Thou art not all that. You walk around all day sliding pastry onto plates. Clarkson heals the sick! Hand over the cake and go lick the platter clean, Spratt.


4. If we all promise to write long-hand letters to the BBC stating that we understand the overarching theme of this show is the old world being encroached upon by the new, could you go a single episode without a character speaking the theme? Or maybe just a single scene?


We know! It's all falling apart, and soon even commoner scum like Dr. Clarkson will be handed cake whenever he wants it. Change is terrifying and the future is one where you might not have the luxury of working sixteen hours a day in a basement. Move on.

5. We're not going to have to suffer through a dyslexia plotline are we?


Maybe you got a little gun-shy after your season-long "aftermath of Anna's graphic rape" arc met with some criticism, but come on. Dyslexia? We tune in for exciting hat-removals, not afterschool specials. Whilst we're on the subject, can you tell Carson to go screw himself?


She just wants to learn basic math, dude. It's not going shake the ground under your feet if she figures out how to subtract. Go steal more of your boss's fake jobs and get out of Daisy's business. Or better yet, take some sensitivity training. She has dyslexia! (Maybe. Hopefully not, but maybe.)