The thing about kids is that they're young, don't know anything, and have no frame of reference. Plus, they think that because you're an adult, you've got the world figured out. This isn't remotely true, of course, but this dynamic can be used for great comedic effect. What we're saying is this: you can tell your kids ridiculous lies about how the world works and they'll believe you.
Here are some of the funniest ones you can try out on your kids, courtesy of the good people of Reddit.
1. Every home should have one, imade_a_username.
That the toy monster steals their toys at night. Specifically the ones that aren't put away.
2. It was worth a shot, Yall-Crybabies.
My kids were getting the vaccinations and the whole trip there I told them that getting shots in the eyeballs was the most effective way. They were terrified! When we got to the doctor's office and the nurse came in with the needles, I said, "Isn't it true that getting your shots in the eyeball the most effective way to prevent future illnesses?"
She said she heard about a study they were conducting and didn't know the results. She then looked at my kids and asked if she could give them their shots in their arms instead... You never saw kids so happy and excited to roll up their sleeves in your life. All smiles and no tears.
3. So, according to goatguyzer, unicorns aren't real?
My friends parents told her that moose weren't real growing up. Like, unicorns, and moose were both fictional creatures. When she got to high school someone was talking about seeing a moose and she thought they were trying to be funny and basically she found out at 16 that moose are, in fact, real. When she went home to tell her parents her mom was in tears of laughter.
4. According to BlackLeftHand, all the good things in life are purple: Wine. Grape Jolly Ranchers. A liar's ears.
That your ears turn purple when you lie. My best friend's mom told her this when we were little, and she covered her ears or took down her ponytail every time she lied until she was 8.
5. Purplescouser sees all. AAAAAAAAALLLLLLL! (And is a liar.)
When my youngest was in infants school (aged 5-7), I could see his playground from our living room window, and when he came home from school I used to say things like "Did you have a good game of football after lunch today?" Or, "I saw you playing tag with Steven". He used to be amazed and I just used to say "Mums know everything". This lasted for a couple of years and now it's a family joke but it's changed to "Nana knows everything!"
6. No, you shut up, Foothillsgirl.
That the human body is only allotted so many words a year, and if you talk to much now, you might not be able to talk for the rest of the year.
7. NeroJoe is a perfectly good name.
That, as their father, I could change their names whenever I wanted to.
One time I pretended to get on the phone with the "Arizona Name Registry", and renamed my two kids Snargle and Gorf because they kept misbehaving.
They were bawling. I could barely keep a straight face.
8. What if your kids are innies, underpantsgnomer?
That if they unscrew their belly button, their bum will fall off.
9. jedi-duo has a story that holds water.
I read about a father who told his daughter she was half human, half mermaid. But she had the top half of a mermaid and bottom half of a human. Maybe not the funniest, but it's sure cute that they get to believe they are half mermaid!
10. Refinedkaos waxes nostalgic.
I told my 7 year old sister that if you lick your fingers and wipe it off in your ear you will have way better hearing and when she did it i talked a little louder and raised the volume on out tv when she wasn't looking. She did this everyday till her teacher said that it wasn't true TL;DR convinced my sister to wet willy herself for a week
11. We'd all pay good money for a vampire-bat-dog, Deathbycheddar.
I told my daughter that our dog turns into a bat at night and flies around. She was unhappy when she woke up one night and he was still a dog. Now she tells the legend of the bat dog to her brothers.
12. A token birthday party-related entry from johnwalkersbeard.
My wife and I have convinced our 6 year old that you can only go to Chuck E Cheese if you're invited by someone else for a birthday party. I guess kind of like the Freemasons.
So far, none of his friends have asked for a Chuck E Cheese party.
13. This one from babbl-on is a real treat. Or actually, not at all.
The ice cream truck only plays music when it's out of ice cream.
14. Did the math, and MarchKick's works out! Try for yourself!
They have 11 fingers. Have them count the fingers on one hand. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. On the other hand count backwards from 10 on each finger. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6. What is 5 plus 6?
Watch them stare at their hands.
15. Seriously. Kids don't know math so good. Take it from MeanForNoReason.
Me: "How old are you, now?"
Me: "Wow! When I was your age I was only nine."
It's great to see the very puzzled look on their faces.
16. Let's get the scientists to make this lie from Pookiebutt a real thing.
Cheerios are doughnut seeds.
17. Chosenone00 has a story about that one kid who doesn't think clouds are a byproduct of industrial petroleum production.
My friend said he was once in the car with his family and they drove past an industrial plant. Smoke was billowing out of a chute, as they do at these plants. He asked his mom what it was and she told him it was the cloud factory and those were the clouds being released into the sky. He said he honestly thought clouds were man made for a better portion of his life.
18. This whole thing built up to this Lego story from GarethCutestory.
When I was little, I built a Lego remote control for the TV. My dad was like, hey, see if it will change the channel. I kept hitting it, nothing. All of a sudden, a few channels change and I'm screaming and jumping up and down. Then it stopped working. My dad goes "That was magic, awesome Lego remote!"