No one thinks it's inherently weird for a child to live with their parents. In fact, that whole "family unit" thing is considered the very fabric of society—where else would kids live? And yet, as these several Reddit threads from the past few years show—some from the parent's perspectives and some from the children's—it becomes clear the cohabitation of children and adults is the reason society is so messed up. After what the following people saw their parents doing, it's no wonder everyone you meet is a complete psychopath.
1. At least this extremely scarring experience for Mdavis7108's little boy led to a hilarious question. And then probably even more scarring.
My wife an I were fooling around, I was going down on her while using her toy( one that turns and gyrates and vibrates, very loud) on her. Being responsible adults I assumed I had locked the door to our room after putting the kids to sleep. Anywho, she is lost in her pleasure, edging closer to orgasm, and I have my head buried between her thighs, with my naked ass in the air, going to town, so of course neither of us hear the door open, or our 7 year old son wander in until he says "Mom? Agh! Oh, ummm..." We quickly attempt to cover up while he throws his hands over his face in an attempt to un see the terrible things I was doing to his mother except he leaves his fingers spread apart and puts his hands near his forehead, his body frozen in place in horror. I start laughing, mostly due to embarrassment and his ineffective attempt to hide. My wife takes him to his room and talks to him, asking if he has any questions. All he could come up with was, "Does this mean I am going to have another sister?"
TLDR: 7 year old son catches me going down on wife, expects siblings.
2. You just read a very long story. Reward yourself with this short but psychologically haunting one from South-West.
i remember when i was about 18 i came home early from a party and went down into my basement to just chill out for a bit. i could hear my parents talking upstairs in their room when i first came home, thinking they were just having a conversation i thought nothing of it. about five minutes later i hear the headboard smashing against the wall and and my mom screaming "o ya fuck me in the ass" lets just say prior to this i thought my mom was a prude
3. GetCapeFly operated for years under the impression that his father just had a really great deodorant recipe.
I caught my dad cutting coke when I was six. He told me it was anti-sweat powder for a friend that had very sweaty feet and let me help him bag it up (into "single foot usage") I only realised a few years ago what was actually happening...
4. What was worse for the child of ihatelorigrimes? Believing his mom had 'secret butt surgery' or thinking she stole his panty liners?
This is somewhat related...not that I was doing anything bad, but I definitely felt "caught."
My son has Crohn's Disease and when he was diagnosed at 6, he had a lot of trouble with an abscess, for which he needed minor surgery. So, after the surgery, he was left with a wick in place (on his butt) to help the abscess drain. Anyone who has ever been through this knows its common for people to wear a pad or panty liner during the draining phase, for convenience. So, my little then-7-year-old would go happily off to school with a secret backpack pocket full of panty liners, in case he needed them. Predictably, being 7 and being male, he thought this was the only use for panty liners.
Cut to a few months later, I am alone in the bathroom and starting to suspect its about to be that time of the month. My son ended up walking right in just as I was affixing a panty liner in place.
I cannot accurately describe the look of shock and confusion on his little face. He looked right at me and yelled, "Mom! I see you with my butt things! Take that off! Those are mine!"
He's come to be convinced I had secret butt surgery and didn't tell anyone.
5. Radiumcandy confronts probably the most disturbing fetish on this list with the nonchalance of rejecting a bad dad joke.
I caught my dad jerking off to porn with the cat on his lap. Dad no.
6. Can everyone please teach their parents how to log out of their email accounts so you don't end up like this guy?
Saw my dad's craiglist e-mails to couples looking for a sexual partner. He's married. He used the phrase "I have a long talented tongue that never gets tired". Needless to say, I'm glad I don't live at home anymore.
7. Ashmgee's child will never see sex, or dancing, like a normal person.
Apparently my three year old woke up the other night without my hubby and I knowing. We were in the middle of having passionate hot and steamy sex and she watched from the door without making a peep. Those of you with three year olds know that right there is impressive. But it gets better... She watches us and then sneaks back into her room, closes the door and goes to sleep. Something she has NEVER done.
The next morning we are eating breakfast together and she says out of no where" mommy why was daddy dancing on your butt last night?" I literally choked on my coffee and said "WHAT are you talking about" and then she proceeded to tell me how last night she woke up and saw daddy dancing on my butt and then started to gyrate in the middle of the kitchen showing how he was dancing. My hubby could not lift his head out of embarrassment and left me to answer her question.. The only thing I could think to say was we were having a dance competition and it was hot :( ... annnnnnd now she keeps asking to have a "dance off"
Edit: To the NON parents commenting asking why I lied to her and saying that I am confusing her.. Please please please understand that explaining sex to a 3 year old is not only inappropriate it would be damn near impossible. They just don't have the ability to comprehend something like that. Just this morning she and I went at it for an hour about why she cant wear a princess costume to school. There is NO way in hell I would even attempt to explain sex. She has more important things to learn at this age.
8. Take a welcome break from sex stories and enjoy the tale of Stinkypoop's dad caught being a wizard.
I walked in on my dad doing a bong rip when I was 4-5. I asked him, "What's that potion?", and he just told me I was dreaming and to go back to bed. I thought my dad was a wizard till I was like 8.
9. And this ninja dad whose kid, scarlettenoir, overheard pops explaining to the police that he's not actually a ninja.
So, I have several stories about my dad. He's what you would call a career criminal with a big heart and quite the quirky side to him.
At one point he ran a business as a commercial diver who retrieved golf balls from the lakes and ponds of golf courses. He had to have contracts with the country clubs in order to work their ponds, but if anyone ever denied him a contract he would dress like a ninja and sneak out on their property at night to retrieve the balls any way. These were usually courses that had golfers who used balls like Titleist ProV1s and Callaway and other expensive branded golf balls. I "caught" my dad sneaking out many a time doing this. He was eventually caught and lost all of his current contracts when news spread.
Another time, my dad was ripped off by his business partner and took revenge. The partner owned a golf shop and sold the balls my dad retrieved after my dad had cleaned them. He started withholding all of the profits for himself. This was a bad move on the part of my dad's business partner. I remember one night, when I was 14 or 15, I again saw my dad dressed all in black with a ski mask, holding a wooden baseball bat. At the time I thought he was just sneaking off to another course again, but kinda wondered about the baseball bat. A week later, a cop comes to our door asking to speak with my dad. He comes into the living room and sits down with my dad. I was hiding out on the stairs down to our basement so I could listen to the conversation. The cop was there to tell my dad his business partner had filed a complaint to the police that he was "viciously and without warrant attacked by a ninja on his doorstep in the dead of night." I swear I heard my dad burst into laughter and then calmly explain to the cop that his business partner really liked to drink, and get in bar brawls, and that's probably all that really happened. The cop then finished up talking to my father, warned him to watch out for ninjas, and left.
tl;dr I've seen my dad do some crazy shit, including dressing up as a ninja and attacking a man who stole from him.
10. Now back to sex. Do you believe this story from a I_Work_For_The_GovT is true?
I caught my mom smearing a combination of bacon, eggs and syrup on my gagged and tied up dad while yelling "HOW'S BREAKFEST IN BED, BITCH!".
They insist it is.
True story. Didn't tell it for the shock value.
11. Would you rather have the mom of the dangerously named i_inhale_repellants...?
I have a ton of stories about my Mom. She's pretty crazy, especially when I was younger. Here is one that sticks out pretty clearly. I was around 14 or 15. I woke up one night to a lot of noise coming from our garage it's like 3 am. So I get up and look for my Mom, because this shit was super loud. So I walk out towards the garage area and she comes rushing at me. I'm half asleep and confused so I start to ask her what the hell is going on, when she cuts me off and says everything is fine just don't go out in the garage with the most serious look on her face. At this point I am trying to figure out what the hell is going on in the garage, a million things are going thru my head, and at one point I considered she might of murdered someone in there. So I just do as I'm told and go back to bed. But, of course, I couldn't sleep after that so I waited until morning when she finally passes out to sneak out and see what the hell was in the garage. So I'm walking slow and quiet as humanly possible. And I get to the garage door, and open it up and I shit you not, there is other peoples lawn furniture and potted plants piled on top of each other, I mean it was full touching the top of the garage roof. And its not even cheap plastic furniture, no it's heavy rod iron furniture and couches and stepping stones and lawn ornaments... I just stood there looking at it all for at least 5 minuets, and then shut the door and left. Because who the hell steals other peoples lawn furniture? My crazy mom. I have more, but that one is pretty vivid for me.
12. Or the unapologetic mom of evanhimself?
I caught my parents having sex on the kitchen countertop 2 days in a row. By the second day, I kind of felt like they wanted me to see it. This was the summer before college started.
13. Commenters seem to think that if you're in Canada, Trackpad94's dad committed the most disturbing offense on this list.
I once caught my father filling an empty bottle of '100% pure maple syrup' with Aunt Jemimah's. No joke, cheap bastard.
14. Soomuchcoffee's mom just kind of forgot where she was, who she was, and what the effects of marijuana are.
My sophomore year of college my folks let me throw this big cookout/party for my college buddies. We were still underage, but the understanding was that we were in college and if we didn't go anywhere, have a fucking blast.
So we're all getting hammered with my parents, eating awesome food, and having a wonderful old time.
Everyone is good and drunk around 10-11 that night. All of my friends were stoners, but they were afraid smoking weed on my parents porch would be disrespectful or something, so they kept it to themselves. My mom comes out and says she doesn't care, that she used to smoke in her day.
I go to the front yard to make a phone call or something and have a cigarette. I come around the side of the house, and under my parents porch I find all 10 or so of my buddies, and my mom, who as I'm taking the corner is putting the bowl up to her mouth.
She absolutely fucking panics. She tries to toss it to the person on her right, like I was...I don't even know. Like I was going to get upset and ground her or something? She was completely flustered. I laugh my ass off and we tease her for being "busted," and proceed to smoke under the porch.
My mom hadn't smoked since the 70s. "Pot isn't like it was back then!" She went to bed pretty much immediately after. Her reaction to me "catching" her though was absolutely hysterical.
The next morning we had to explain to her that pot doesn't have seeds anymore, that it cost like $40 for a small bag, and that yeah, you don't want to hang out and smoke "a couple joints" like back in the day.
15. Definitely embarrassing for jakemac1, but come on, someone had to help dad out, medical experience or not.
I caught my mom putting in my dads catheter once. One of those times you really wish your mom wasnt a nurse and the fact that he was totally naked and... wait a min, my mom was a principal not a nurse ಠ_ಠ
16. Is there a helicopter fetish? NotACatfish (and her young daughter) would know.
My husband was acting like an idiot while he changed after work, he doesn't wear boxers under his uniform so there he was flailing his dick around like an idiot. Right as he started to helicopter it, noises included, my five year old woke up and barged into out room. There he stood with his ass pressed to out wall holding his boxers in front of him telling her to get out. I was no help for about a minute as I was just giggling.
17. There is truly no coming back from this, VolsDeep. Friendsgiving from then until forever. Family is over.
Here's one from the child's (me) perspective:
My dad and I went to Mexico when I was about 13-14 on a little father-son bonding trip. One day we're down at the pool when, after a few hours, my dad says he's going to go up to the room to take a nap. Cool. I'll hang out at the pool and seem way cooler without my dad sitting around. However, after about 30 minutes, I got really bored so decided to go bug him to do something.
Poor timing on my part.
I walk into the room to find my dad, fully nude from the waist down, fiddling with his now-flaccid penis, drifting off into that post-jerk-off nap. We made eye contact. It got weird. I instantly turned a 180 and walked in to the bathroom to try to come to terms with what I had just witnessed. It was futile. I'll never come to terms with that. We've never spoken of it.
18. Yup, Anzae's dad just pretended everything was normal. What a strategy.
I went into my parents' bedroom to ask dad for some money, and he was playing Age of Empires II. That was fine and normal. The porn on the (muted) TV behind him was not.
I assume he had been watching porn and then got distracted with the game and just forgot. And because he had his back to the TV and was in the middle of a fierce battle in AoEII, he never even turned to look at me, let alone the TV. I got to have a small chat with my father as two lesbians fingered each other on the wall.
It's a fun memory. I mean, at some point he got so engrossed in his damn game he actually found the sound of porn distracting, so he muted it. And I can only imagine his face when he finally won the war (hopefully?) and turned around to find the porn, and remember he had a talk with his teenage daughter with that playing.
19. And finally, the HalieCakes family has a wholesome child and dirty parents. Just like everyone else, apparently.
Story from when my sister was younger. So, my sister was an excellent student in high school but for some reason her grades were dropping. I think this was when she was becoming heavily involved with the church. My parents, not having anything to do with religion blamed church for her grades lowering. They took her bible away and banned her from going to church until the grades were brought up. My sister went to go find her bible and to her surprise it was stuffed with my parents condoms.
If you love the way the people of Reddit talk about their parents, you'll probably enjoy the way they became parents, too.