I know exactly what it’s like to be a parent because I have a puppy.

I know exactly what it’s like to be a parent because I have a puppy.
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My beloved child.

You don’t have to tell me having kids is hard work. I have a puppy named Biscuit. She sure is a handful! In the morning I have to walk her, then feed her. Later, my dog walker Orson comes and walks her and feeds her, and that night I have to feed her AGAIN. You’re right, having a kid is hard work. But it’s the most rewarding job I’ve ever had.

It’s not easy having it all. I don’t know how I do it. I have a full-time job, but I’m also the full-time dad of an adorable puppy. Luckily, I have help, like my dog walker Orson. He makes his own organic, gluten-free doggie treats. What would I do without him? Right?

Raising a puppy isn’t the cakewalk I thought it would be. There is so much catch and tug of war and snuggles and naps and tug of war. It’s exhausting. Sometimes I get frustrated with her because all she does is bark and roll on her back and beg for belly rubs. Yesterday I had to sternly say “NO” because she wanted to jump into my lap while I was on the computer. But then I looked into her deep brown puppy eyes and it’s all worth it.

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I’m proud of my puppy. She sits. She doesn’t poop in the house anymore, much. If I say “roll over” in a soft, high-pitched voice two dozen times she’ll roll over. Hard work pays off is the lesson here. What have you trained your toddler to do? Anything? It’s okay if you haven’t. I understand. You just need patience. We need to support each other.

Whenever you tell me about your newborn it reminds me about all the challenges I face with Biscuit. Sometimes she pukes on the floor and then eats her puke! Ha, ha, ha. But, seriously, do you ever ask yourself why you chose to bring a new life into this world? I worry about Biscuit. I’m glad I surgically removed her ovaries because all male dogs want to do these days is sniff butts and you know where butt sniffing leads. Humping. I want to protect her, but she’s going to grow up from a puppy to a dog.

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Has your daughter had all her shots? I was just at the vet the other day. My Biscuit is as healthy as she can be. But the vet is so expensive, you know? Who’s your vet? You want to talk about money? Doggy daycare? Wowzer. I bet you can relate. Orson isn’t cheap. But if it wasn’t for him, I would never have learned that firing up Spotify and playing Future Islands really chills Biscuit out.

Between you and me, Biscuit is a mutt. I rescued her because I’m kind of better than most people? Which is more of a burden than you’d think? I got her DNA tested and she’s definitely part angel. You’ve probably seen pictures of Biscuit on Facebook. I can’t help myself. She’s so precious. Your baby will be precious one day, especially when she’s less wrinkly. But Biscuit was born adorable. I just want to eat her up. Do you ever get that feeling about your human child? Well, maybe you will, in a few years, after she has hair and her eyes are less buggy.

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But at the end of the day I just count myself lucky. Lucky that I’m so blessed. Lucky that Biscuit is such a good girl. Lucky that I’m helping to raise the next generation. We sure left the world in a mess, and it’s up to them to clean it up. I don’t know if you agree or not but I believe the children are the future.

Of course, there are a couple of minor differences between a human child and a dog. For instance, if I lose Biscuit, the police won’t come to my door to ask me questions. And, also, Biscuit will love me unconditionally her whole life until she dies around the age of 14. But these are just small differences.

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Anyway, enough about me. Tell me about you and your baby. Is she a good girl?

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